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December 13, 2016

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend.

Roberto Tumini/Unsplash

You’re a stealthy predator, crouched low, lurking, waiting patiently. My senses prickle when you are near; my energy begins to fade and my desires wax and wane like the moon—until they fade into the abyss of the night sky.

I wasn’t expecting you. This time you crept in without warning—slowly, undetectable, enveloping my mind in the stark void of this all too familiar place. It’s been a long time since we’ve met in the depths of darkness…in the depths of despair.

I have worked diligently to keep you at bay, practicing love, acceptance and hope.

Focus on the good, they say.

Believe in yourself, they say.

Love yourself, they say.

Years of practice and hard inner work have gone into keeping you under foot. Yet, here you are…again, an unwelcome guest.

How dare you.

I’ve asked you to leave, have even shown you the door. Yet, you found ways to wrestle me down—rejection, neglect, hopelessness and sadness… Then, the madness. You had me pinned on the floor. I couldn’t get up, weak with the weight of unworthiness. Flailing, crying, screaming, for some sort of reprieve. I begged for it all to end. To slip quietly in my sleep. For a freight train to sweep me off the rails. For a morning when I wouldn’t have to feel you again.

There we were, in the ring going round for round, and the morning came upon me once more. Woken with eyes bruised, from the gut wrenching release of pain you’ve shackled me in. You almost won. I wanted to give in to you. I was angered that I couldn’t, and today grateful that I didn’t.

I am a worthy contender with a team of lovers who refuse to let you win. You are my darkness. You are my despair. But, I will love you, anyway.

I will love you, anyway.

A part of me which rears its ugly head—you remain separate from me. You are a war waged and I continue to fight valiantly. You wear me down, all while making me stronger. It’s deep in the trenches, the carnage of the battlefield, where I find myself again. I rise.

Goodbye darkness… You are not the end of me. Not today.

Love wins.

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Author: Trish Lane

Image: Unsplash

Editor: Travis May

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