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December 29, 2016

I’m not Sorry.

 

 

I’m not sorry.

I won’t pretend I can take the pain away. I can’t even say I understand.

Because I tried.

I step back and I ask myself, “How did this happen? Why is he still carrying this burden?” When I look at you I don’t see any baggage I can possibly unload for you.

You see, I am grateful for you. I am honored we shared a short time together. I look at the memories and all I see is joy for the experience.

Not a single day of regret.

We laughed. We cried. We shared our deepest fears and scars with each other. We exchanged words of wisdom to overcome insecurities. We healed different wounds because of our intertwined paths. We prepared ourselves individually, yet together for anything the future holds.

Except goodbye. Maybe that’s where I went wrong. I didn’t remind you after hello of the goodbye. But I wonder, is that a fault of mine or a weakness of yours?

We were never meant to be more.

We collided during a tumultuous time and we were exactly what the other needed. We each craved kindness, a gentle companion, someone to validate our difficult choices. We both needed that mirror to be held up to our faces and someone other than the strong inner voice of survival to whisper in our ear, “You are a beautiful person.” We needed to awaken to the colors surrounding our existence and stop living in a gray world of daily grind.

So that is what we did. We lived. We experienced an awakening.

You had to see it coming, even if I didn’t say it enough. You had to know it was only natural to bid farewell. All the road signs indicated we were taking separate exits. There was no more opportunity to travel together.

I tried to be compassionate. I begged you to find your way with renewed vibrancy. Perhaps I could have done better.

I see you now in passing. It’s not hard to do. You are the one with stooped posture and the sad eyes.

You lost your way.

How is this possible? I thought you would carry on with your torch. But you haven’t.

Maybe I do hurt for you. A little. Because I don’t know the solution to put you back together again—the way you were when you were happy, only without the puzzle piece that includes me.

I warned you it was not forever. But you wanted to live in my world anyway, no matter how temporary it was supposed to be. You played the gamble hoping you could change the cards fate dealt you.

I wish you well in life, my friend. I hope you find your joy again. But if it’s the goodbye that hurt you, well then, I’m sorry I’m not sorry.

 

~

Author: Jennifer Davis

Image: CarlosVarela/Flickr

Editor: Molly Murphy

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