We all have that one special person in our lives—a friend, family member, or partner.

My person is my husband. Well, that’s his official title, but he is so much more. Friend, confidante, lover, teacher, companion. The list is endless.

We have grown together, hurt each other and pushed our way through almost 20 years with each other.

I first met him when I was about 18, and I knew then that he was someone to get to know better. He just had an air about him; his demeanour was always friendly and earnest, but it wasn’t our time then. I was 23 when we got together and when I think back to how much we’ve changed, it’s amazing really.

He has his moments, as do I, but I cannot fault his depth and his kindness. He is a beautiful, caring man who takes on the world and his wife; he cares deeply about everything and everyone and will help them all out.

I love his geeky intelligence and daft sense of humour. His quietness of thought and pondering always has me wondering what he is thinking.

The slight Devonshire lilt in his voice as he calls out, “Hello Sweetie,” has me smiling as I write this. He has the capacity to make me smile whenever I think of him.

He works hard at a job he doesn’t enjoy to help bring home the bacon. He loves books, crosswords and is a pub quiz nerd. So clever, he devours facts and figures. He has simple tastes too—cereal, a nice coffee and a good pint of real ale and he is a happy man.

All in all, he is the one I go to for everything, and the bonus is he is my husband on top. In a world where divorce is prevalent, a nearly 20-year history ain’t too bad

We have had some tough times, some just of late. We’ve argued and hurt each other but that is life and relationships.

I think it’s all about knowing the person inside and seeing them for who they truly are, not the person I think I see day after day who can sometimes do my head in or bore the sh*t out of me.

It’s a process. Each time there is an up the down inevitably follows. It’s a ride that we have to choose to take together. There are numerous love songs that try to say it all but they can’t because sometimes it is boring and we do get on each other nerves. But, we try to love what they are and not want what they are not.

I accept that there are gaps where we fit and learn to grow together, help each other along the path and even enjoy space apart.

I’ve always liked who he is, his morals and values. Sometimes that can change, but if I just plod on through the day-to-day grind and try to see the person underneath who may be struggling, it makes things better.

I’m am not an expert, and I am no marriage counsellor but these are the things we try to do in our own relationship when we are struggling and trying hard to see the best in the partner we have lived with for years:

1. I remember the reason I fell for him in the first place. Not the first flush of romance but the personality I was attracted to. What made me laugh and the depth he still has.

2. I see his frailties and vulnerabilities and try to accept them. I try to imagine him as he was as a child and see through the protective bullsh*t we all give off sometimes.

3. I tell him why I love him. We are all scared, and it’s too easy just to say “I love you” and get on with your day, but I try to let him know the reasons he is special to me as often as I can.

4. We laugh at each other and keep doing it even when it’s tough to find anything to laugh about. It helps to break up the seriousness of a situation.

5. We spend some time apart occasionally. Not for work or to get away from each other but to give ourselves a chance to miss what we love about one another.

I know it can’t all be fixed like this and sometimes goodbye is the only way out if you are struggling and finding it difficult. Try a different perspective before you break out and run for the hills and after that see how you feel, then at least you’ve done the best you can.

“But let there be spaces in your togetherness. And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” ~ Kahlil Gibran,  The Prophet

 

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Author: Emma Toms

Image: Andreas Schalk/Flickr

Editor Apprentice: Nicole Marchant; Editor: Travis May