“And the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud, was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” ~ Anaïs Nin
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She couldn’t stay, and she couldn’t go.
The fear of the unknown and the indecision of it all exhausted her soul.
She was tired from all of her thoughts about it.
She knew deep down there was more to life. Her life looked good, but didn’t feel good. How could she promise someone forever and not fulfill her promise?
And the kids…would they be okay? Would she be broke? Would she regret her decision to leave, want him back and not be able to get him back?
There were so many questions that would go unanswered until one day her body gave out and she collapsed on her bathroom floor. Paralyzed and unable to move. The only words that rang in her ears were, run, run, run.
I speak of this woman as a third person because today I don’t know who she is. She is gone and that journey of darkness is over.
I am here now—present and safe from the thoughts that once haunted me.
The best advice I ever received was from a dear friend and life coach. His advice was that I couldn’t leave my marriage until I was happy.
“But, that is impossible,” I replied.
“I am unhappy because of my marriage,” I said.
“No,” he replied. “You are unhappy because of you. If you leave this marriage now, you will just take your miserable self with you. You will create new relationships with the same problems. New faces and new places but the unhappiness will surround you.”
“So, go,” he said. “My advice to you is simple. Go follow your joy. Whatever that may be and with whomever that may be with.”
And then began my journey. The real journey from the head to the heart.
It would be a year of intense suffering and fear, but also exhilaration and a joy so big you could not help but notice.
Sometimes you really do have to fall in order to rise with more compassion, fearlessness and kindness. Those who knew me thought I was going crazy, but for the first time in my life, I knew I was not. All that mattered was my opinion of myself. I had lived my life for years doing things to impress and please others.
The universe has miraculous ways of getting one’s attention. Mine came in the form of pain. Pain that could no longer be ignored. Bless the pain, as it is a gift. It is an indicator from your soul that you are headed the wrong way. Emotions are not something to be numbed, they are to be embraced as guidance from the soul. The quieter one becomes, the easier it is to hear. Pain comes from negative thoughts. The greater the negative thoughts, the greater the pain.
And then one day, the pain gets so great, you just surrender. You surrender to all that you can’t control, which is everything.
Only your soul knows what is best for you. And how do you know what is best for you? By the way it feels. If it is good for you, it will feel good. It really is as simple as that. If it isn’t a hell yes, it is a hell no.
What if your life has to be turned upside down because the life waiting for you is far better than the life you are living?
You have two choices: to live in fear, or in love. You get to choose. It is not a choice you make once and then you are done. It is a constant, moment to moment, never ending choice. Choices made from fear come from the ego. They come from motivation, rather than inspiration. They take great effort to make and are filled with indecision and doubt. These choices deplete you.
Choices made from the heart and soul, come from the spirit. They nourish you and feel like ease and sureness to make.
As I sit here writing from a beach in Maui, my soul is giggling. Giggling at all that I thought I once needed to make me happy. It is never anything external that brings joy. Joy only comes when you surrender and let go of all that is not meant for you.
Follow your bliss and discover a life of magic.
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Author: Roberta Spevakow
Image: Instagram/nytimes
Editor: Travis May
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