4.3
January 23, 2017

If you Love him, Don’t Destroy Him.

Author’s note: This is a response to the article, “If you Love her, Don’t Destroy Her.

 

We’ve been brainwashed into believing that only women get hurt, that only women suffer through destructive relationships.

We think men feel less than us, and that it’s weak and emasculating to be vulnerable.

I hope you know this isn’t true.

We—men and women—both have the same chance of getting hurt. We both have needs that must be met in order to create healthy, successful partnerships.

And sometimes men enter healthy relationships that turn into utter destruction. The same way that his behavior toward you defines the pattern of the relationship, your behavior toward him also plays an essential role: it either helps him grow or it destroys him.

Although he has made the choice to be with you, you need to let him feel doubt and fear at first. Allow him to question whether he can properly love you or not—it means he is opting to love you in all the right ways.

His doubt stems from past hurt. Perhaps, he dealt with blame and rejection in previous relationships. Maybe his past failures have left him insecure, and that’s okay. Be patient, because your lack of understanding can destroy him.

Understand his insecurities and stick around while he sinks into them. Be the hand that guides him and the shore on which he rests when he’s tired from swimming in his thoughts. Attend to his flaws and imperfections, but hold all judgments. Allow him to peel his layers off in front of you until you reach his raw, authentic self—and let him do the same for you.

Tell him that it’s okay to be vulnerable. If he wants to cry, provide him with the comfort he needs. If he needs a laugh, share that moment of joy with him. Merge your emotions with his, transcending labels and definitions.

When he makes a mistake, he hopes you will understand that he’s only human. Listen to him and communicate with him. You’ll destroy him if he feels he can’t talk to you when things go wrong. He wants you to be his best friend in life and not just his lover in bed.

When he needs space, don’t hesitate to give it to him for the benefit of his own personal growth. Know that it has nothing to do with you. Understand that he needs to be with himself as much as he needs to be with you. And be courageous enough to do the same with your time when you need it.

When he is with you, don’t make him feel like you are with him just to change him. Partners grow together and adopt things from each other—either subconsciously or by choice. That said, let this happen naturally. Don’t try to control him and turn him into someone he is not. Love him for exactly who he is, right now.

Read him like he’s the Great American Novel and look at him the same way you’d gaze at the Northern Lights. Believe in him like you believe in your own dreams. Know that you play an essential role in keeping him moving forward or retreating backward. Support him and walk with him like his own shadow.

Be patient with him while he builds himself, while he strengthens his love for you. Maybe he wasn’t able to do this before he met you, but he is hoping you’ll be patient with him while he places each stone atop the next. He wants to reach that penthouse only while holding your hand—and he wants to know it’s okay to climb that ladder with you slowly.

You’ll destroy him if he feels he is being forced to stay with you. So rather than making him stay, make him choose to stay—give him good reasons to. 

And don’t fall into the trap of making him feel the relationship is his responsibility alone. Know that it is yours, equally. If he falls one day, he wants to know you’ll be able to walk for both of you. So meet him halfway and be ready to take on his role when he can’t. Show him you can be an equal partner.

Challenge him to grow and challenge yourself simultaneously.

Love him right, for through that love he will learn how to love himself. How you look at him impacts how he sees himself.

Stay independent and strong. Be the woman he fell in love with, because this is how he wants you. Make him laugh the same way you did on those first couple of dates. Don’t make him feel like you’re losing yourself in the process of loving him.

Don’t blame him and don’t use words as weapons. Instead, communicate with him and be as open with him as you are with your journal. Don’t make him guess what you’re feeling or going through. Don’t shower him with, “I’m fine,” while you keep your inner-most emotions to yourself.

He wants you to speak up and hold him accountable when he is wrong. He wants you to be assertive and point the finger when it’s warranted, but also to be brave enough to turn it on yourself when you’re at fault. This is how you earn each other’s respect.

And once you earn his respect, and his heart, you’ll have a partner, a lover, and a friend for life.

~

Relephant:



Three Types of People we Don’t Need in our Lives.
Dear Lover, Thank you for Letting your Soul Stop By.

Author: Elyane Youssef

Image: Timothy Paul Smith/Unsplash

Editor: Nicole Cameron

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Holly Bennett May 28, 2017 7:37pm

Yesyesyes

Jerusha DeLos Santos Lagud May 23, 2017 7:36am

Claire Jones, I went through the same thing... I finally left and never looked back. Just seize that day before you're completely broken down.

Stephanie Jean Bounds May 21, 2017 11:18pm

Leaving is very hard. I've done it 3 times.. in 3 different 7 yrs relationships. It's hard. I love hard and with all I have. Also I forgive alot. Those are the reasons I stayed so long.. which is okay because I survived it..not without emotional scars of course. But stronger and smarter. The answer to what do you do in your situation is to build yourself up enough to be STRONG enough to LEAVE. And it starts with learning to love yourself enough to believe you deserve better..you deserve the best. Everything starts with a thought. And then it turns into action. Tell yourself daily that his actions are NOT the actions of a man that truly loves a woman. Remind yourself daily happiness is something you deserve and you are strong enough to take the steps to obtain it. Build yourself up especially when he is tearing get you down. Love yourself. Believe you deserve kindness and real love. And when you do finally leave and it's time to begin a new relationship RUN when you see red flags..unlike what I did! ..or you'll live through another vicious cycle of what you left in your past. Change your mind and you will change your life. Build yourself up daily and the day will come that you just walk away and never look back.

Smith Cam Apr 25, 2017 8:22pm

Beautiful article and kick ass bio! We are all beautiful and broken in our own peculiar way. Just gotta find someone that is willing to love the broken as much as the beauty.

Maya Tsho Jamal Apr 5, 2017 1:14am

Love to see a man write this- is this true for you men?

Katie Schmidt Hoverson Jan 28, 2017 9:44pm

This is wonderful. Thank you. Love!

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Elyane Youssef

Elyane S. Youssef is an extraterrestrial who was given birth by Earthlings. While living on planet Earth, she fell in love with art, books, nature, writing, photography, traveling, and…pizza. Elyane finds her joy in backpacking and bonding with locals. To see the faces she interacts with on her travels, you can follow Face of the World on Instagram. Besides getting on and off planes, she is in a serious relationship with words and hopes to inspire as many people as possible through them. Once her mission is accomplished on Earth, she will return to her planet to rejoin her extraterrestrial brothers and sisters. In case you’re wondering, yes, she is still willingly obsessed with Frida Kahlo. You can connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. You can also check out her macrame art on Instagram.