I’ve recently experienced a strange thing. 

The memories of a past heartbreak are disappearing.

A year ago, I was plagued by memories, both good and bad, and I would have gladly sent them all away. But today, as they are finally leaving me, I am saddened all over again by their loss.

The healing power of time has led me away from the acute pain, but now there’s a different kind.

This poem is about coming to terms with pain drifting away and the sadness it can bring. This final transition is the tail end of the healing process—the heartache of letting go completely and putting yourself out there again; trying again.

It is scary but uplifting, sad but hopeful to know you’ve pushed through the difficult times. In the end, time does heal, even if it hurts.

Drift Away.

My bookkeeper is tearing pages from my story

Folded history in glass bottles drifting past buoys
Like jagged reefs out of reach, my defenses overtake territories
Ripping out intimate glances, our first dance, and everything in between while I sleep

Where do these precious fragments in time disappear to?

Like sunken ships, our lazy days, jokes and soft words spoken
Sink deep into the dark matters of my mind

The crevice of your mouth, the shape of your eyes
An entrance to your world, they would leave me feeling high
I’ve never been as sober as I stand here now

How time ceases to fly when it hears my cries
Counterclockwise it moves, searching for snapshots of you
Consigned to oblivion, like past Olympians overshadowed by youth
When in truth, I am losing you

It took a while to feel alright again
It took a while for this heart to mend

A heavy heart in a violent sea
Grasping the rocks, reaching for safety
Like the weakening whisper of week-old roses or a gentle exhale,
All I know is each hour I lose a little more

For each day, I allow a tug and pull at my heart’s strings
Such a painful pleasure these fantasies bring
The smell of your suit, freshly pressed juice and my crippling fears stale in the air

This tightening noose and self-inflicted abuse bring such tingling highs
A roll back of the eyes—it’s haunting
Going against what everyone taught me
My inner-strengths, like a capsized boat, sink deep in unforgiving waters

At night, you visit me in my dreams
You hear me calling but you always leave
Begging and pleading, you like to tease
For seeing me broken makes you weak at the knees

Tear-filled moments in empty days
A mouth full of words I’ll never say
Pages of “I love you’s’” that won’t leave this tongue
Lifeless and heavy, they remain there hung

Down by the ocean is where I feel okay
Cocooned by branches, safe from harms way
Come, come with me, let my memory play
And all night long we’ll drift away

It took a while to feel alright again
It took a while for this heart to mend

Scarred, frozen, forever engraved
The ring remains safely tucked away
It sits and waits patiently for a day that won’t come
Glimmering in darkness—it, too, was left stunned

Like a wave of clarity, burnt out flares
My vision is back, I’m fully aware
Limb by limb you slowly decay
Like shipwreck wood that’s gone astray
These painful memories slowly drift away

 

 

Author: Jennifer Fairbairn

Image: Unsplash

Editor: Callie Rushton