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April 16, 2017

Dear Self, I’m Sorry for Breaking your Heart.

Dear self,

I know your heart is broken and I know you think it’s somebody else’s fault.

It’s always easier to blame others than to blame ourselves when we’re hurt. Guilt is an arduous trip, and one we’d do anything to avoid.

Today, I’m not blaming anyone anymore. I’m removing the glasses through which I’ve perceived the world, and instead, choosing to behold reality with my naked eyes.

And the reality is, my broken heart is my fault. And for that, I’m deeply sorry.

It may feel absurd to hold ourselves accountable for our anguish. It can feel threatening to do so, to potentially put our relationship with ourselves at stake. But because I want to strengthen my relationship with you, I will face the truth.

And the truth is, we often break our own hearts.

We agonize over questions that might change the course of our lives, and try to look for the answers in the most difficult places. Our curiosity for the truth can turn us into ignorant seekers, blinding us and leaving us oblivious to the truth.

Dear self, the facts were crystal clear, but I chose not to see them. Fear altered my perception and handed me the glasses of ignorance on a silver platter. I happily wore them, not knowing that someone might come along one day and take them off.

I broke your heart the moment I chose not to behold reality as it is. Reality is always in front of us, but we divide our experiences into good or bad, depending on our own state of mind. But reality just “is.” There’s nothing wrong with it—what’s wrong is how often we don’t accept it.

If I had accepted reality, I wouldn’t have broken your heart. Sadly, it’s only when we experience the damage caused by fear, worry, and denial that we step up and rebel against ourselves.

You must forgive me for I didn’t learn my lesson well enough.

Dear self, I’ll be more careful with your heart in the future. I took you for granted. I took your rise after every fall as a sign of strength, not knowing that we can only endure so much.

I lied to you by saying that everything was going to be okay. I thought, what’s the worst that could happen? And although I felt the worst in my bones, I ignored it. I remember every red flag you showed me, but I painted each one white and proceeded anyway.

Dear self, stand up and trust me. Trust that at last I know that we create our own moments. There’s nothing and no one out there that we can change to fit our own desires. On the contrary, we create our moments by changing what’s inside us. And today, I’m changing what lies inside me.

Trust that I won’t let you fall again.

I’ll take your red flags to heart and acknowledge that the worst is always possible—we only need to tune into it and take steps to avoid it. I’ll listen to the voice inside me. Our intuition can give us the answers we need, only if we’re ready to listen.

Dear self, I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I’ll stitch it well enough that you won’t even notice it has been broken.

Here are the threads and here is my needle.

Trust that I know what I’m doing this time.

 

Author: Elyane Youssef

Image: Mike Lay/Flickr

Editor: Nicole Cameron

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