June 22, 2017

Give me “All In” or I’m Out.

I knew from the moment I met you I was going to love you and love you hard.

I had no idea that I’d fall in love, be all in, and then have to make the decision to leave.

It wasn’t an easy choice to make, but you couldn’t decide what you wanted. You wanted me around everyday and the benefits of a loving relationship, but you couldn’t—and wouldn’t—be “all in.”

You were too hurt. Your ex did a number on you and you wanted to be a “whole person” before you embarked on another relationship. I respected the hell out of you and decided to love you through it.

You were my best friend and confidante. When something happened in my life, I wanted to share it with you. I wanted to kiss you daily and hold you nightly. I wanted to be your first hello and last goodbye. I loved everything about you and adored your quirky craziness. I had complete peace in knowing I was the only one.

Then, I still trusted you even when I got word that you were pursuing other women. I knew there were only some days in a week, and I had all seven of yours. I wasn’t concerned. I knew you loved me and felt it when you said so. I knew I wanted you, but you didn’t know if you wanted me or not. The moment you told me I was “single”—that you couldn’t be all in yet—I knew deep down that I couldn’t stay for long.

But I still couldn’t fathom a life without you; I couldn’t imagine you not being in my life to some degree. I didn’t have it in me to navigate a friendship; we’d shared too many intimate moments. You knew all my secrets. You kissed my soul when we made love.

Better yet, I loved your child too. You two were a package deal, so I knew I would lose both of you in leaving. I couldn’t imagine the way my heart would break when I considered how huge this loss would be. Was I strong enough to endure a pain so great? Could I overcome it? Was I tough enough? Hell—was I even enough?

When you hear the words “you’re single,” you quickly realize the person you’re in love with is completely willing to lose you, and you start to question their “love” for you in the first place. Why in the world would you be willing to let another man pursue me if you cared about me? You spent nearly every day with me, but you wanted me to be single?

The funny thing is, there’s freedom when someone tells you they don’t want you.

I turned around and pursued my life, my dreams, and my inspirations. I had coffee with new men and women and did whatever the hell my heart desired. I talked to whoever I wanted, but I still saved the best parts of myself for you. I gave you my all when you couldn’t be all in. When you told me you felt sorry for me when I chose to date—despite your constant reminder that I was single—I knew I was done.

My therapist told me one day, “Susie, you’ll know when you’re done. There will be a peace that rises up in you and you will know you’ve reached your limit.” She was right—the woman always is.

The feeling of peace was so great that it masked the feeling of sadness. Do I love him? Absolutely—I likely always will. But I gave you eight months of my life and you still couldn’t choose me. You still couldn’t decide within the confines of eight months, 32 weeks, 224 days.

I refused to wait any longer.

So I chose to walk away. When love is no longer being served, we’re challenged to get up and leave the table. When someone tells you they aren’t all in, believe them. We truly do teach people how to treat us. It’s time we expect people to show up and be all in when we’re giving them the benefits of a full-blown relationship.

Some will try to have their cake and eat it too. But only if we let them.

It’s not okay for some to be selfish when it comes to love, but not honor others when they say: “Choose me or I walk.”

Fair is fair.

I’m tired of allowing others to take from me without giving back. It’s exhausting—love should come easy.

My challenge to all is to choose love and choose an easy love.

It shouldn’t be complicated and messy.

I choose to be all in.

I want a love that chooses the same.



Author: Sue Gutierrez
Image: Tom Pumford/Unsplash
Editor: Danielle Beutell
Copy Editor: Leah Sugerman
Social Editor: Yoli Ramazzini

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