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August 22, 2017

The Allure of the Unavailable Lover—Even when Things Won’t Work Out.


“All the world is a stage and all the men and women are merely players.”  ~ William Shakespeare
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The sex is amazing; it will never grow dull.

There is something so erotic about the forbidden that causes a rush of anxiety and excitement—the perfect formula for amazing f*cking and out-of-this-world orgasms.

Realize that the draw of your unavailable lover is not just his or hers alone—but a product of the circumstances you find yourself in.

Any lover who is unattainable could create this intoxicating concoction that would lure you back repeatedly.

Who wouldn’t want to experience the thrill of feeling alive?

Who wouldn’t want the rush and excitement—the ability to try everything new in a fantasy-world of love?

They will profess love to you—and they may mean every single word.

But they don’t want you forever. They only want you right now.

You are kept in a box. Out of sight and mind. Taken out for their pleasure in the moments they need to feel a passion only being with you can bring.

When they are finished with you, they return to their regular life. Their work, their family, their home—perfecting the facade.

You do have a few gifts. You help them relax and escape their reality.

You are their human drug, giving them strength to face their monotonous life of routine while you sleep in your bed alone every night.

You help them feel alive, as they become a better and more loving father or mother or husband or wife—and you exist in your life without them.

Your positive effects are felt throughout their life, while your own work and home life suffers.

Your job is essential. And they will keep you around to fulfill that job by making promises.

They will promise that they love you, they want you to be a part of their life “for real,” and that they want you by their side forever.

They say the word that is kryptonite to your soul: future.

And while you may not have expected a future with them, your love may have grown so much that you can’t imagine a future without them.

And so you hope.

This is why you hold on longer than you ever thought you would. Hope.

Their inability to make plans to see you on a regular basis leaves you wondering if a real future is even possible.

But, what you must realize is that this is only a game.

They will love you for a time, until you discover the rules and figure out that you don’t want to play anymore.

And then they will move onto someone else.

Realize that your own kind heart and willingness to please was accepted for beautiful moments of pleasure and passion.

They provide a feast of love that is taken away when they have had their fill, leaving you in a constant state of unfulfilled hunger.

Your own longing to feel wanted and craved and appreciated is used against you, for their thirsty soul could smell your desire.

You may have been loved—for a time—but they were never able to love you completely.

Why did you become hooked by this unavailable person?

There was something inside of you that longed for this kind of illicit relationship.

Being with someone who is ambivalent means that they are “safe.”

You may retain your freedom without true commitment.

Your love exists in a fantasy world, therefore it is always new and exciting.

The distance created in a relationship that must be hidden or undefined keeps a spark alive that many relationships struggle to recapture after years of familiarity.

Although you may long for a real life with your lover, the ability to make that leap may not be something they are willing or able to do, for they promise a beautiful future that is difficult to let go of; it exists only within the mind.

Caught in an endless trap of waiting, unfulfilled and broken promises, and a life that you can never truly be a part of, all the excitement in the world will not make up for the security of an honest relationship.

If there is something I wish someone would have told me, it would have been this:

Wake up.

Realize that the half-relationship you’ve invested your entire soul into is a fantasy that will never come true.

That your own fears of a truly committed union are keeping you from the love that you truly desire.

That being wanted and desired may be intoxicating and exciting, but will wear off with illness, old age, or commitment.

Look in the mirror and discover the person who you are avoiding, the one who truly is worthy of the love and adoration that you continue to seek from someone who will never be what you’re looking for.

The addiction to this person—and to the pain and suffering they bring—will be difficult to overcome, but it’s not impossible.

There is an amazing tenacity and perseverance that keeps someone in this never-ending cycle.

The attraction to an unavailable man or woman is a symptom of a deeper issue of insecurity for which commitment to one’s self is the anecdote.

Realize that their ability to love is limited by their own fear of engulfment and intimacy.

The unreachable lover serves as a mirror to your soul, revealing your own inability to fully commit to and love another.

Be honest with yourself. Choose you. Love you. Be whole.

Know the love you seek can only be found within.
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Author: Stephanie Perry
Image: Angella/Flickr
Editor: Danielle Beutell
Copy Editor: Travis May
Social Editor: Callie Rushton

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Stephanie Parry  |  Contribution: 5,745