The premise of co-dependency begins in childhood.
We’re raised, in overt or covert ways, to believe that someone else’s needs are more important than our own and that we should feel guilty for having those needs.
If we did receive something we desired, it was made known—even if subtly—that we somehow weren’t worthy of the universe’s gesture of gifting us with it.
The resounding feeling was that pleasure was reserved for good kids, good people, people who deserved it. And, for whatever reason, we weren’t those people (at least we believed we weren’t). God knows, we tried so damn hard to be good enough.
Add a decade and a half to this scenario.
A woman who’s been raised to bypass all of her needs for the sake of someone else’s emotional wellbeing grows up to be absent of herself. Fully absent. I mean this. Emptiness is a real thing and she knows all of its spaces intimately.
Regardless of how great she or her life looks from the outside, she doesn’t trust herself, feels guilty for taking up space, and doesn’t ask for what she wants, because she makes everyone else more worthy of receiving than herself. And this means she’s tired, resentful, and totally confused. Exactly like childhood—except now she disguises those feelings pretty well.
Herein lies a woman, who may have been wanted by plenty of people, but the one person she’s always wanted the approval of, her original creator, still hasn’t offered it to her. No man’s want will satisfy the itch she’s really after. Obviously, this is not a gender-specific issue.
No amount of money, belongings, friends, will make up for the one thing she really needs: to be loved, feel worthy, and to belong to her creators in a cocoon of safety.
What she really needs is to have her needs met in the world when she is most vulnerable, rather than realizing at far too young an age, that her role is to keep the peace by meeting everyone else’s needs besides her own.
Add sex to this scenario and it becomes all sorts of complicated.
If you, my love, are an adult woman and the above resonates with you, I know you aren’t asking for what you need, sexually speaking. That is, unless you’ve done a sh*t ton of work to get yourself to a place where you feel allowed.
As a psychotherapist and energy worker with deep-rooted sexual trauma in my veins, I never in a million years thought I’d feel comfortable, free, or safe enough to say: sexual healing isn’t only a real thing, it’s a mandatory thing to utilize if we want to own our power as creative, warrior women. We can heal our legacy so the emptiness we feel doesn’t seep into the marrow of our granddaughters by default.
Not asking for what you want keeps you hidden. I want to help you feel safe enough to be seen by the person who currently needs to be truly seen: you, my love. You.
I want you to see how beautiful, brilliant, worthy you are regardless of how you feel, look, think, or what you do, don’t do, or have.
If you’re with a partner and wanting to heal your inability to ask and feel worthy of asking for what you want, especially with regards to sexuality, you must determine that you’re with someone you feel truly safe with. If you know that you “can” ask, but can’t bring yourself to ask, you’re in a good place.
But, if you’re in a relationship that you’re pretty confident if you do ask, your needs will be made “wrong,” or still go unmet, you need to mend that issue immediately so you can move on. Or, you may really want to consider no longer wasting your precious life force on a situation that gives you far less than you deserve. Even less than the little girl who never got what she really needed, still needs, and still deserves to receive.
You’re now the one in charge of making sure that little girl in you feels safe enough to ensure she gets what she deserves. After all, she’s a worthy kid.
If you’re safe and wanting to begin opening in your sexual healing, which includes being comfortable with asking, receiving, and being comfortable in general, the easiest step to take is to form a super sensual relationship with life itself.
Because you’ve been taught to bypass your own needs, it’s far easier for you to meet the needs of others.
Sensuality herself, is your friend.
Pleasure herself is a sensation of consciousness that wants to experience herself through you. When you look at “her” like that, as if “she” has a need rather than you have a need, you’ll be much more compassionate and attentive to ensure the delivery of her asking.
Diffuse therapeutic grade essential oils, touch various textures, and eat foods that really demand your taste buds. Have massages, listen to epic music, dance your heart out, stroke your own skin. It doesn’t have to be sexual, but sensual. When we feel this connected to life, she teaches us things we’d miss in the drudgery of being “in our head” all the time.
When you have a relationship with sensuality herself, you’ll understand why you’re friends and it’ll be far easier for you to introduce your new friend—who you’ve already formed an independent relationship with, separate from your partner—to your partner.
A yoni egg practice is also something worth looking into if you’re really ready to allow sensuality to embody you. It took you all of those years of being silenced and hidden to make you void of your own voice, of your own desires. It’ll take you a bit of time on your journey where your wants and needs are allowed and accepted by you, and where that feels natural, without guilt for having them. So please be gentle with yourself.
You won’t necessarily wake up tomorrow and be able to tell your partner when and how you want sex, but if you open to your relationship with sensuality herself, and you allow her in without judgment, she’ll teach you the silent whispers of your own voice. From there, she’ll teach you when and how to communicate it, which isn’t always in words.
Author: Stacy Hoch
Image: Wikimedia Commons
Editor: Lieselle Davidson
Copy Editor: Sara Kärpänen