This is an open letter to my Sons

For when they are fully grown

Remember all those times the folding and the dishes built up? Those many, many weekends we ditched the housework and ran off into the wind. Yeah… and then your clothes wouldn’t be ready for School in the mornings without a fluster and a hurry to make it to the bus in time.

Remember all those times we would stay in our pj’s all day, lounging about doing sweet nothing, then realising that we were suppose to be somewhere and have to rush to find all of the things that didn’t seem to have a home? Damn sock gnome.

Remember those moments you would catch me broken on the floor. imperfectly emotional and allowing myself to feel it all. And you would witness that in me. I would let you know that it was normal to feel. That some emotions are really big ones, just like the ones you had. That you can allow yourself to feel them too. I want you to know that in those moments I am proud of how much compassion and empathy I witnessed in you. These little people with huge hearts and warm hugs, who had the ability to wipe away tears. You would witness the impact you could make on someone. That you could make a difference, lighten up someone you love’s day. And you would also witness me rise and grow from it too, just like you could too. Like a phoenix from ashes! “Bigger, Better, Stronger!”

All those lessons I tried to teach. The boundaries I set. The expectations I instilled. The morals I consistently attempted to embed. Those times I fucked it. yep. Those times I got so overwhelmed by the weight of everything I wanted to be for you, for us, and when the angle I tried to go just. Did. Not. Work. And I’d be lost. And you would too. We would always, always, find our way back to forgiveness and love. I want you to know it wasn’t always easy, This lingo between doing life, wanting to create magical childhood memories and raising boys to be someday Men.

Lessons to teach you how to love yourself,  to recognise the wonderful and the limitlessness within you, and how to care for yourself. Needing you to know that you can stand on your own two feet without me… Lessons of the deepest love. I learnt from my hardest lesson in life…. That I can’t always be there for you. From that I needed to teach you of life, and that you can grow to not need to depend on me or anyone, just yourselves my fierce, incredible, and beautiful boys. Everything you need is within.

On all of the days all of the things I fell short on, the things I forgot, the times I didn’t follow through, I am humble enough to recognise I did this, and there are a lot of times I am not that great.  There were so many nights this would keep me awake realising all I should be to even come close to being good enough for you.  In so many ways, so many facets of modern parenting felt so beyond my capacity. So many of these societal norms were just unfathomable to me. It wasn’t ever a reflection of a lack of affection for you, it came from a place of me trying to figure out how I am supposed to meet these expectations of me to fit the mould of a perfect western Mother, while battling with this reflux reaction to it. My spirit screaming to me to move in a different direction to a lot of what felt like shallow and empty connotations. I wanted to parent deeper than that. Everything I did, was me trying to juggle life, my spiritual journey and love. An overwhelming amount of love.

I hope you remember and carry with you the sporadic moments. Those mornings you would wake to sunrises out the windows, off on adventures. The silly family meetings we would have. The blanket forts, The crazy dancing around the house to those same classics played on repeat. Those big cooked breakfasts on the weekends. The many variations of murder in the dark. “Medicine soup”. The storytimes in random places. The roadtrips. The beach hopping. Them pulling over at the side of the road moments for photographs.  The ‘coccoon’ cuddles. The wheat packs for bed. The wanderings through rainforests. The homemade cinemas under the stars. The references to spiritual teachings. The random notes on your sandwich bags. The water fights, the theme nights, the late night escapes into the kitchen to sit on bench tops giggling and eating out of jars. Chasing sunsets. The annoying millions of kisses in a row.

I want you to know the moments that I think of the most when I think of you are them sweet morning cuddles. The times spent gazing at the details of your hands. Smelling the sweetness of your breath. Watching your chest rise and fall while you sleep. Laying out your Pj’s on the bed. Picking you up in the air and watching your hands and feet search to come back close to me. The sounds of your feet pattering through the house. That moment of silence… You know the one.. When I prepare myself for what i’m bout to walk into. All the flowers and the holding of gates and doors. The smooth talking, heart melting little compliments. Playing with your hair while you lay on my lap. watching the light dance in your eyes while you tell your stories to me. all the drawings you did, the things you make. Watching you light up about things that you love. Tumbling and playing. Tickles. watching the eyes roll, and smiles at my lamo jokes.  The Sounds of your laughter like first light shining through the curtains in the morning.

I want you to know that although it has challenged me I love that about you, that you’re so courageous. Even if it means I feel like I am saving your life whenever we venture out of the house. I love that about you, that you are daring enough to express how you feel. I love that about you that you own your emotions, whether that it is happy, angry or sad, you express it.

Know that you won’t be for everyone my loves, and continue not to care!

My boys, reach beyond the limitations of the sky. Carry those hearts with the depth of the ocean like a badge. A part of me will always be holding your hand, but never to hold you back. Know, that more than anything in this world, I have loved guiding you through life.

What I want for is for these young, wild and free spirits of yours to be as powerful as a storm, as free as wildfire, and continue to roar as vibrant and intense as pure sunlight.