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January 11, 2019

An Open Letter From A Mom Who Hates Motherhood

Every mama has a different story.

Our journeys into motherhood vary, as do the struggles, challenges, and emotions that come with the job. Each and every one of us are entitled to feel ALL the feels, as deep as they come, embracing them and growing from them along the way.

We are mothers. Our job is the same, regardless of our stories. We are meant to raise healthy, kind, and happy children. We are meant to mold our little humans into smart, thoughtful, and giving adults, even though it may be a messy, chaotic, shit show the entire way there.

I am a mother, just like you… yet my story is often misunderstood.

I didn’t want kids. I never wanted to be a mom.

And I wholeheartedly dislike the job.

Because of this, mindfulness and intention play a big role in my every day life. I put my children first, always. I am hyper aware of the way I make them feel, and of the things they observe and learn from me. I’m careful and thoughtful with their feelings. And despite how emotionally draining it may be for me, I make sure they have the mother they deserve.

It’s more than difficult for me to be a mom. Every single day I feel resentment, sadness, and frustration with the responsibility and obligation of motherhood. I never wanted any of it. I don’t enjoy playing with my kids. I don’t like constantly being touched or needed. I loathe cleaning up after them, feeding them, and making sure they are entertained.

But I DO enjoy watching them grow. I enjoy watching joy spill out of them in fits of laughter. I enjoy watching them love on each other and learn from each other.
I  LOVE making them feel like they are the most important people in the world to their mama. But this requires doing all of those things I don’t like – and doing them enthusiastically.

I often reminisce about my lost freedom; the days when I would wake up with energy, pull out my to-do list and get everything done. The days when I could hop in the car and run a quick errand, or take a nap, or shower whenever I wanted. The days when I could set BIG goals and actually attain them in a timely manner.

As a mother, I carry this heavy weight with me everywhere I go. And that weight exists because I wasn’t made for motherhood. I am a free spirit. A dreamer. A creator. I constantly have ideas that I yearn to put into motion.
It’s not that I can’t do or be these things while I’m also a mom… I just can’t do or be these things all of the time anymore (just a small fraction of it).

I absolutely have regrets about being a mom. But those regrets have zero to do with my children as people. My girls are incredible human beings, and I have never and will never regret or resent their existence. They are the loves of my life.

And they know this. They feel this.

Many people shame me for openly talking about these feelings because they don’t know the relationship I have with my girls. And they fear that one day they will find out.

But I’m not afraid of them finding out. I have nothing to hide.

I’m proud of the mother I am, and the person I’ve become. I am proud that despite my disdain for motherhood, my kids will never be affected by it.

Yes, one day, my girls may know of my story. The emotional battles I fought. The feelings I hid from them. But if they do, they will ultimately learn that sometimes life can take you down a path you don’t want to go… and going down that path can be a good thing. It can give you strength and courage. It can force you, in a way, to become the best version of yourself. And you never know what you might find there, buried beneath antipathy or fear.

You just might find the most beautiful love, like I did.

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