The sound roaring overhead was not a plane or distant traffic, as commonly heard during my moments of self-imposed silence.  The wind barged through the trees with intimidating force.  Howling and pounding, powerful sounds of nature’s deep voice booming.  A force not to be reckoned with, but admired, revered, blended to become one with.

Man does not win vs nature.

I find myself things flashing through various natural disasters in my head before snapping out of it and breathing in again, then forcefully out.

The rain pelts my face, skews the view from my iPhone screen, as I spin in a steady semi-circle on slippery steps struggling to capture a perfect panorama.  I only gave myself a few takes each day otherwise my perfectionism and desire for just the right angle, sun beam, cloud, blade of grass would force me into OCD tendencies.

Real life.  Point and click.  No make-up, no filters, no retakes.  Real deal. Live on Leah’s Life.

My hood is blown off and I realize today is the first day I am physically miserable.  Standing outside at the top of my children’s tree house stairs like a fool freezing in the winter wind and rain.  Snapping selfies like a weather man trying to broadcast from the outskirts of a hurricane.

Why am I doing this again? 

Daily ’meditations, ‘purposeful pauses’, practicing mindfulness, good old fashioned prayer session.   Setting my intentions, taking designated time every day, smack in the middle of my day, to stop.  Just be in the moment.

Say my positive affirmations imagine the desired outcomes as if they already happened.  Visualize success and feel what that feels like.  Simply experience the sensation of the sun of my face for a few minutes.  Breathe in the fresh air while trying to focus only on my breath going in and out.  Watch each passing thought that arises in my mind drift away like a text bubble on an animated cartoon.

Meditation.

The alarm on my phone is set for the same time every day and when it goes off I take a few minutes to… Meditate?  Dare I say the ‘M’ word!?

It still sounds weird to me even saying it, doing it, because I’m not doing what I always though meditation was.  I’m not sitting in an uncomfortable yoga pose or laying on a mat deep diving into psychological silence and falling asleep by the sound of the instructor’s low-grade voice droning on (that last part actually happened.  I snored and had to be woken up).

Now, I just go outside and stand there.

Ugggg, it’s cold and so windy today! I should have put on my hoodie and grabbed a toboggan too.  This is ridiculous. You are ridiculous.

I really I want to go inside, yet there I stand.  Committed to the cause.

Is that really why I’m doing this, some new noble cause?

Am I trying to prove something to myself? That I can set a goal, a commitment that I stick to, unlike so many other attempts at changes in behavior, diet?

Or is it ‘for the gram’?  Do I just want the cool pics and story of it all? Am I really just driven by feeding my ego?

Woman braves winter weather for meditation medal, awarded gold star for stupidity.

Suddenly I hear all the negative things my mind is telling me.  Being mean and talking down to myself. Trying to get me back inside, stuck in the comfort and pattern of the norm, safe and warm.  The same.  Unchanged by personal growth.   Sitting on my couch under the heavy red and black afghan my mother in law knitted, watching Grace and Frankie, contemplating my own life at 80.

I’ll never have a life as glamorous life of Jane Fonda or look that good when I’m 80.

There I go again, squirrel!

Breathe.  In. Out.

I focus on that single act and my body instantly relaxes.

Body parts I never even knew were tense release.  Shoulders and stomach unclench.  Both fists in my pockets unfurl.  I stand up straight again to allow all the air to flow deep, stomach expanding unselfconsciously.  I exhale past the point of comfort, as if someone just pushed my stomach in hard and fast, forcing the last tiny bit of air out. A final burst of stale stagnate carbon dioxide discarded into the surrounding swirl of energy.

What makes the wind blow?  How can we feel air against our cheeks?

Breathe.  In, out.  Keep repeating.

I scroll through my senses.  Start to list five things I hear.  Wind whirling, leaves whooshing, birds tweeting, dog barking.  The fifth sound requires me to wait, breath more, listen intently.  I begin to notice the way the wind feels whipping my hair across my chest, across the patch of ankle skin exposed from my capris pats down to the Nikes, untied and thrown on with no socks.

 I didn’t anticipate staying out so long.

The wind weaves its way straight through the tiny mesh holes of my shoes.

They were probably made in a factory far, far away.

So then I begin to send light and love energy to their souls, the shoemakers whoever they may be, thanking them.  I mentally go through every person down the company chain from the executive to the postman who delivered them shipment to the store.  I send good vibes to the clerk who stocked the boxes on the shelves and well wishes to the teenage cashier who checked me out.  I don’t know who these people are, but I telepathically send them love and appreciation for my modern day indulgences anyways.

My mind launches into a gratitude countdown, where I randomly say thanks for whatever person or situation pops into my mind.

Thank you Self for forcing me to stay outside and have this peaceful, blissful experience… Standing in the rain like a loon.

I realize I’m judging myself again.

The negative self-talk is banished the second I switch back to focusing my attention on the things I am grateful for.

I am thankful for the way the wind sounds in the winter when all the leaves are still piled in the corner of our backyard, wet and decomposing back into the earth they were birthed from.

I am grateful to be alive.

I signal the end of my meditation session by signing off with a final burst of heart love sent as a metaphysical ball of energy to the people I love most.  I say prayers for whoever happens to make my prayer list for the day.  The person who requested prayers on Facebook for their dog or Grandma, a family I know who is struggling, the rude person at my mom’s work, a friend who’s having a bad day.

I send my love generously.  Finally I imagine my children wherever they are at the moment and send a jolt of love through the invisible cord that connects our heart and souls.

I realize writing these words how crazy, new-agey and woo AF I may sound, but my new routine feels fabulous.  I like to believe the recipients feel it to and like to think not only do I feel better taking this time for myself, but somehow the world is a better place too because of it.

I imagine anyone who is suffering right now being encompassed by love, everyone from drug addicts and their families to the victims of the most recent natural disaster across the world.

I think of my husband, parents, brother, nephews, sister in law with love, even their dog Vixen who has cancer and Wrigley their pit bull who will be lost without her… I flash through their images like a photobook in my mind with indistinguishable warmth in my heart.

I am cold now and sort of wet, but only if I think about it.