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January 9, 2019

I’m thankful to the universe for you

I’ve always been in love with love. I can’t even masquerade the tears that are ready to stream down my cheeks when I watch a romantic scene in a movie. Fairytale movies will always hold the softest spot in my heart and makes me yearn for that true love’s kiss and soothing embrace.

But I never surrounded myself with a perfect example of what a relationship is meant to be like when I was a child. I have no idea of what a healthy relationship between the two adults is supposed to be like. The environment I grew up in what felt like was… of f two roommates. The only interactions they’d have with each other were constant fighting or arguments.

But the best teacher is experiencing the things on your own. To be more exact, I had to learn of how to feel – what do these feelings mean, is it okay of what I feel, and not only that – of how to deal with the certain things when they come up, of how to heal after a broken heart that needs tending, of how to forgive and release.

When I was in my first relationship, my heart wishfully believed that we were meant to be together. There was so much excitement. How much I wanted for this to last… but I was not prepared for the challenges that we kept constantly stumbling upon, and of how much they will be shattering me as a person only for me to continue rebuilding myself.

No relationship can ever be saved if only one of us tries to, and the other one has to chase another to open up that barrier of a communication.  But I thank you. I thank you for teaching me about the pain I knew that I had to go through in order to experience the happiness that needs to come. Thank you for teaching me that while feeling pain is healthy, it doesn’t become very healthy in long run, and that sometimes the most painful decisions that we have to make in a life results in far bigger and more beautiful things.

I grew up in this relationship. I had to go through a lot of self tending and continue to destroy myself and the previous outlook that I had on the world and the love itself. I needed to have a conversation with myself where I tell myself that no real love ever asks you to put through with somebody’s constant cheating or them opening a wall of silence when the arguments arise. I matured enough to understand that when the movies end with a happily ever after with a happy couple celebrating their happy occasion – they don’t foreshadow the challenges that are awaiting for you.

But when I met my second romantic relationship. I’ve never had experienced the love and the bubbles that rose me upwards and made me feel like I’m on top of the world. The man I imagined that it will be forever with, the man I wanted to celebrate the rest of our lifetimes together with and we both talked about this .We both wanted to settle down. He was the man with whom I have shared so many similarities with, sometimes we would tell each other a story and we would feel each other presence’s because we both have been gone through something like this before.

But the butterflies ceased down a fourth month into a relationship. I didn’t think much of it when I no longer were able to feel them. I thought that it was starting to place us in a routine that we would have had to prepare ourselves sooner or later, of where we both will need to learn of how to spice the things up and to keep the things romantic. But I have not realized that it was meaning to say something else. It was warning me.

I even once told to my friends that I do like it of how the things are so present that I can feel my legs back on the ground from dancing from a one cloud to another. In my words, it shows that you still want to be with that person and willing to put through with their everything.

It doesn’t have to result in a one of us losing our identity. I felt that I am starting to settle down into the frames of the life that I don’t want for myself. I felt like I’m starting to live up to somebody else’s high regards and their expectations for me, as if in a picture they drew of me. I feel like I have become way too co-dependent that I ended up forgetting… myself, I forgot of what is it like to be me and think about what I want. The dreams that we used to share started to disappear in a mist.

I lost my voice. I felt like my hands were tied and about to lose their freedom. I froze at the spot. I felt that no matter what I would do – we’d find a way of how to butt head about it somehow and you wanted for me to do the things the way you would do them. Whenever you’d start to talk about our future – I felt like I was starting to play a second fiddle to you.

Even the way you’d talk to me about yourself, I felt like you’re so perfect and of how do I get to be with you and I need to do something that will make you want to be with me too. How mistaken I was. The only person I ever needed to do this was for me. Take my own pace in the life, try a few things along the way while I try to figure it out and find missing pieces of a puzzle that’s my life.

The last tear drop was when you picked up on my appearance without realizing this. The day we broke up tore my heart apart. It was my initiative. I knew what I needed to do for a month. I kept on chasing after a thought that the things will continue to improve. Even when we celebrated my birthday together, something inside of me was telling me that it will be the last birthday we celebrate together.

I knew that we can’t continue to improve and become the better selves if we trap ourselves in this relationship. It was for the best. The next morning when I woke up my bed felt warmer. I felt like a huge burden left my shoulders. I smiled when the sunlights touched my cheeks as they came in through the window and welcomed themselves in my presence.

I want to thank you for teaching me of how to love and give my all to someone, of how to bare my entire heart, of how to be more honest with myself. Sometimes when the things don’t work out – they don’t work out for a reason. It doesn’t mean that you have never loved a person any less. I know that I loved you. And I know that you loved me too. But we forgot to love each other’s imperfections along the way. Your love for me will always be one of my favorite memories in our relationship.

But… the biggest bittersweet symphony of the story that doesn’t have a happy ending? It was when I met the capital You. My heart starts to turn in to a hurting place when I have to lie to the others when the conversation turns about you. I never say that I am angry at you. But I still lie behind a smile and have to pretend that I have never felt anything for you when in fact, I’ve never ever felt so much for everyone else.

I have always felt your presence in my life as long as I lived. When I was a little girl, I felt like an outcast to this world. A lot of the times I felt misunderstood and I wallowed in a blame that I had such trouble making friends. I had very little to zero friends. To go through the periods of a complete loneliness, I’d make up an imaginary friend to help and save me. I know that lots of people would rely on a Superman or Captain America to come into their rescue, mine was an imaginary friend. How silly, isn’t it?

I imagined my imaginary friend very similarly to your appearance. Even before we both met, I felt some sort of visions and tingles washing through me. I was in a happy relationship yet your presence still remained within me. I could feel your energy melting with mine so many times, so closely. I sensed the events happening in your life that I was not even sure of how to make them out to be… but what if they are just my imagination? I never actually did ask you about them. I was too scared to cross any of your personal boundaries.

You are a complete stranger to me yet a stranger who feels familiar.

A few weeks ago even when I was meditating and not even thinking of you… I felt something to overcome me. I had a vision of you about  your work that it sort of forced me to check it out of how you are doing and what are you up to.  We have not spoken to each other in 2 months after the message that I struck you with. I’m sorry about this. Your silence was killing me inside that I ended up saying much more than I should have had to. I tried apologizing to you last week only to a no response. I deserved it. I had it coming.

It’s something more what I feel for you than I can describe. No, I don’t want or need you. These words feel so bland of what I feel for you. You are more to me than that. You are my inspiration. You area the biggest muse what I have ever felt. Before I met you I caught myself thinking of how much I miss writing but I was too hesitating to do anything about it.

And who would have even want to read that? Is it even worth it? I thought to myself. I wrote to myself a few times but never really showed my notes until I let it slip of what I was doing one evening when we both were texting each other. You expressed your interest and I continued to hesitate and I went back and forth while my mind juggled fear and anxiety and excitement – all trapped in one.

Yet you still did. You sincerely read it and said that you could relate to some of my poems.. The following morning when I went out I spent an hour writing. And then a few days later. I felt rejuvenated. I felt like breathing a different air through my nostrils. Yet here I am, months later,  I am still writing about you even to this day. Even right now, you are who I am writing about.  You are a character in my novel I promised to myself I will start writing this week. I can’t ever run out of the ideas that echo through my entire being.

I loved learning the smallest facts about you, I loved it when you would share your stories with me. You mirrored my fears that I was always of voicing out loud but we both found a comfort in each other knowing that we are not alone. We’re together even if we both barely knew each other. Not only I bared to you my heart, but also parts of my soul I was always reluctant to show to somebody else.

When we started to get closer to each other, I hesitated. You asked me out. It was a third time when you did. The first time when you did that, I couldn’t go there. The second time you were sort of beating around the bush but we ended up learning about each other’s birthdays. But the third time?

It was actually the first time when someone asked me for a cup of tea. All of my relationships were long-distance. But you were real. You were so close to me yet I managed to mess up again, and so badly. My heart was speaking to me so much about you yet I kept resisting with my head. I kept rejecting you inside of me causing a fight between my head and heart so many times. I know that you probably ended up thinking that I was only messing with you. But I was also in a relationship at the time and I couldn’t do this to the other person even if the things completely crumbled down between me and him a couple of weeks later. I knew that it would have been wrong of me to do this.

I let the tight hold of a fear to trap me inside of it. I started to wonder if you’d even like a person you’ll see in front of you. She’s on a short side, quite on a chubby spectrum, and a ball of awkward being. How foolish of me it was! You asked me out because you liked my personality and not my appearance. Whenever I’d talk with the others about you I noticed everything they were telling me they were speaking my own fears out loud to me. I let them to talk me in to my fear.

It was so stupid of me to believe my fears. Even when we both started talking about fears, you told me that whenever you feel anxiety coming up – instead of avoiding it and letting it control you, you talk to it. I wish that I remembered your words sooner.

Thank you for coming into my life and causing quite a hurricane that swept all through everything I thought I held on very dearly and tightly. Everything has changed so much ever since you made your appearance in there. I know that I am on my journey to learn how to love myself right now. You enlightened me to take risks and follow my heart.

I love you. You will always be the best lesson I could ever ask for. You came in to my life and taught me so much. How can I ever thank you? You were the biggest love in my life so far and that I want to thank you for the most.

I also wish that you are well today.

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