The difference between success and fulfillment.
Is everything.
I learned this in a past relationship. The hard way. I had to realize that what was fulfillment to me meant something different to what my partner saw as a fulfilling life. Yeah, major disagreement there. I saw his plan for life and I saw him becoming so successful and awesome in so many ways. And that was so attractive, for a while. I saw his drive and ambition and I wished to be like him too. I wished I could be more go-getting, more masculine energy. He would stop at nothing to create a successful life and reputation for himself. It meant everything to him. You could feel it. It meant financial freedom and freedom of his time, too. It meant being influential to so many others, and yes, of course, helping them in some way through that influence. If that is a life of fulfillment for you, I have no qualms with that. It’s just not mine.
What I had to realize after almost three years of a turbulent, ego-destroying, passionately addictive yet fully frustratingly dependent relationship was that what fulfillment to me, was going to be something so very very different than the picture of our future he had imagined, and that honestly, I had gone along with. Yes, I wanted to be successful, and gain influence but that was never my end-all, and it’s certainly not what makes me feel fulfilled.
Reason being: I was awakening to a new reality. I had opened my mind to a new spiritual dimension of life.
And this is where it gets a little weird, but hey. I’m not afraid to speak my full truth with you now.
I found myself. In the midst of feeling completely unqualified and unworthy for this relationship, not ready, unworthy and yet so completely magnetically drawn to him, I found self-love. And I stuck with it. Because I wanted to know myself. I craved myself more than anything.
So I went deep and cracked open. It was painful. It was a really difficult time. Not only for myself but really, for him too. I was emotionally very unstable, I would hit rock bottom and then hit rock bottom, again. I became so weak that I had no option but to rebuild my entire identity, brick by brick.
During the last year and a half of our relationship, I learned everything I could about Self-love and Holistic living, mindfulness, Ayurveda, Chinese medicine, anything to keep my mind occupated somewhere in the positive polarity. It didn’t always work to keep me in a good place. I was deeply unhappy, depressed. Alone and I felt distant even when we were together and happy. But it was what started my spiritual awakening journey. It led me to dream again, on my own terms. To build a beautiful reality for me. But most of all, I relearned and reestablished who the hell I was. I reestablished my divine essence. What made me beautiful and worthy no matter what he or anyone else said or did to me.
After a good 6 months of this, I rewrote my story. I was no longer that sad pathetic girl with a messed up family and depression and anxiety that stopped her from getting anywhere in life anymore. I was no longer a girl with dependency issues, feeling isolated and alone in the world, feeling like she didn’t deserve true love. I became an awakening spiritual boss babe with a mission to educate other amazing beings and help them on their journeys!
Wow! A radical shift in my whole body and soul took place. And the more I did this challenging yet gratifying work, the more I connected with and found things that truly deeply resonated with my unique soul… but inevitably and unfortunately this drew us apart even more.
This is the nitty-gritty part of self-love. This is the part that many of us (especially us introverted empaths) try and smooth over, we do anything to avoid it. Because honestly, it sucks. I thought I could bring him along in this ride with me.. I wanted to so badly. But it was clear that my spiritual awakening, my self-love journey, was a journey I was going to have to take on my own.
He wanted the ultimate success, I wanted the ultimate fulfillment. And there is no right and wrong, or better or worse. But the reality was that I felt a huge disconnect when it came to my life purpose and his dream life.. even though so much of it “looked” the same, in essence, this life we wanted was coming from two contrasting perspectives, two very contrasting reasons for WHY.
In case you don’t know what this spiritual awakening thing is, btw, it’s basically when a person realizes and remembers their true nature. By this, I mean the nature that we all have to remember at some point or another, whether in this lifetime or another. I came to the deep ‘innerstanding’ and remembrance of my being as an infinite conscious creator of pure love and light and darkness too. And not only that, but I remembered my mission and purpose in this life was to help awaken others and hold a high-frequency vibration on this earth so that we can all evolve to a higher level of consciousness. I swear it makes me so happy just to say that right now. Just writing it down is something indescribable. If you are one of us, you just know. Or maybe you are yet to discover it, but you will when it’s time. It is such an honor to be incarnated in this period of human kinds evolution, and I’m so excited to share my experiences and to hold this safe space for others to grow and shape their realities too.
But anyway, let’s get back to the point.
“These are the two most important moments in your life:
the moment you are born.
and
the moment you remember why.”
I want to ask you something. What is a fulfilling life for you??
Have you found out the purpose for your life?
I know these are basically the biggest questions in all of life, but it’s the questions that we need to stop and think about periodically too even if we can’t find the perfect answers just yet.
I want to remind you, because I had stopped asking myself these questions, and I did it in the name of love (or what I thought was love at the time). In reality, I was just choosing his image of success over my soul’s fulfillment thinking over and over again, thinking that I could be happy that way. And I wasn’t. And it caused a lot of pain and suffering. Eventually, all that pain lead me back to my path again. So I can’t say I regret anything. But I want you to know that you don’t have to go through years of turmoil and frustratingly explaining yourself, and whateverness and occasional piercing eye rolls, and that feeling in your gut that says this isn’t freaking right, and that thought like: why am I still in this relationship when he treats me like this and I feel so crappy all the time, and why am I so unhappy with my life, am I not enough?! thoughts, emotions, episodes ruining your gorgeous, uniquely radiant, divine aura. For real.
I never thought I’d be here today, writing this message to you. Standing here, confident and filled with love and contentment, single and so so happy, feeling like my life is my creation and I’m having the most fun I’ve had in so long! If you had seen me a couple years ago, you would be in awe too, promise.
Its all because I realized what I truly wanted in life and took that leap of faith into the deep darkness. I’m not gonna lie. Climbing out of that space was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But now I feel like an unstoppable force of nature. Oh yeah, cause I am!!
And so are you.
There, finally my point!
You can go as far into the darkness as you want but there’s nothing that can keep you from coming back to what your heart’s desire is telling you. You are truly a miracle and it’s about time we all step into our truth and love ourselves for real.
No more of this bath time type of self-love. I’m talking about the nitty gritty savage real world shit, okay.
Self-love is not some bullshit girly-girl, post cute selfies to Instagram, drink a smoothie, go to a yoga class, and call it self-love thing. It’s life-changing, soul altering, and spiritual af. It’s holistic healing.
If you are feeling not good enough in any way, please begin your self-love journey. TODAY. Don’t you dare dismiss, or even worse–procrastinate–on your soul’s fulfillment. You have no idea what it took for you to come into this world and even take that first breath of life.
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