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February 5, 2019

Chapter29: When 65% is not your Fairytale story

In an instant, you can fall in love and the mystery begins. Who is this person? What are they like? What moves them? All these questions come to mind in an instant and you now want to find the answers to all of them.

Everything you thought was, no longer is.

Your heart joins the war within.

That has always been the way I fall in love. Fast, with no consequence in mind. I can instantly picture the story that will be told about my romance, how I would tell it. A love story that would live through centuries, and perhaps even told as a fairy tale. A story filled with the love, hope, passion, trust, and an incredible journey to the ledge of the earth. The story of how we met, how we fell in love, and how we lived happily ever after. How  I was the exception the rule, maybe.

I am not afraid to admit that I fall fast, and I fall too deep, too soon. I can be honest about that. And it’s okay.  I make decisions that feel right, that feel justified in the moment, but those decisions do give me a tad bit of anxiety. I end up justifying that anxiety with good anxiety, healthy anxiety, the type of anxiety that makes me feel alive.

65%

During my most recent relationship I found myself asking if I was doing the right thing multiple times. Asking myself if I was feeling good about being in this relationship that happened so fast. I had never questioned that idea and I couldn’t think of how this story would end.

We met in what was my prime environment. Where my career thrived and where I knew I was at the top of the world. He was just a beginner in my world. But he had this look on his face that seemed sincere and with it was an energized soul.  It had been about 7 months since my breakup with my first love. My first ex moved on within a month of our relationship of almost two years ending. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. He and I were deeply in love, we were each others first love and in a blink of an eye, he moved on. Maybe he was just like me and I didn’t know.  I felt that I had not healed from my first fairytale ending. That story was not supposed to end that way. But it did. I still remember the last time I saw him when I dropped him off at the airport, we kissed goodbye and a pilot walking by smiled at us. He thought we were two lovers saying ‘see you later’ but the truth would be that we were never to be seen together again.  I started to think that he knew for a while that he didn’t want to be with me. I started to think that he had fallen for his new lover while still being with me. For who he portrayed himself to be while he was with me, didn’t prepare me enough to think that he would ever leave me.

Time didn’t matter. 

The heart knew it was coming.

I waited a while to move on and still felt like it wasn’t enough time. I look back, time didn’t matter. When you move on with a real intent to love someone else, time doesn’t matter. If it is the right person, time won’t matter. When you let go of a relationship that you felt was not your truth, deep down you know what you have to do. I learned this from my first partner, and I learned it after the fact.

When I decided to write a new story, I believed that my heart kept telling me, ” well if your ex moved on, you should too.” My heartbeat would race, and so I thought it made sense. My gut on the other hand, made me feel like my energy was drained. It felt as if something was wrong constantly. This young man, however, would look at me and put my worries at ease. He was moving at the speed of light and for once I thought he had fallen for me as fast as I know how to fall. I couldn’t believe that maybe, just maybe, I was going to finally be the exception to the rule. I knew that this story would make history.

He wanted to spend every waking moment with me. He knew right away that he loved me. That is what I believed was real. It was the beginning of my fairytale. I was getting all of that, but I was not giving it back the same way, my gut and my heart were constantly at war. I kept thinking that it wasn’t real. I made excuses for myself constantly. I thought I was scared to feel anything again, and  I didn’t want anyone to see me weak or that I wasn’t ready to move on.

I saw red flags, and I didn’t stop to take a reality check. I didn’t stop the speed of the relationship. Maybe I was afraid of what the world would say. I should have.

Within a month he proposed to me under this beautiful arch in his favorite park. We walked under willow trees and danced under the moonlight. Picture perfect for the cover of our fairytale story. We kept it a secret, and I felt like this was the love made for me. In my mind the soundtrack was perfect for the best love story ever written. From Paul McCartney’s ” This Never Happened Before,” to ” I Want to Know What Love is,” by Foreigner.  He proposed,  officially 5 months later in front of my family with a ring he won on my favorite radio show.  We had already moved in, we had our families over for dinner and they loved each other. I fell in love with his family and I thought he fell in love with mine. I let him into my world completely and he let me in his. The only statement that is true is that ; it was too much too soon.

When I finally opened my eyes to this lonely life I was living, I was engaged, I was tired, and I was living a lie. I ended up moving out of the relationship without looking back. Everything I had known about love was not what I had.  For me, it was too soon, too fast because it was not with the right person. He turned out to be young, confused and resentful. That led him to cheat and lie. I learned that I will never be anyones 65%. I realized that is what I was for this person.

Being a young passionate professional woman who believes in fairytales is probably the most difficult part of our lives. Attracting partners that take what they need from you, they learn how to love. They learn how to treat a woman because of the mistakes they make with you. But, I also know that we can handle a lot because I find myself stronger than ever.

Now, 6 months later: a broken engagement, relationship, friendship and any type of connection, I Find myself realizing that TIME is a perspective. Both my exes moved on within a month of being with me, and the advice I am given is to take time for me, and love myself, and focus on me. The thing is–is that I am fine. I have always loved me, I am confident. These men learned a lot by being with me and I learned a lot from being with them. They learned how to love, how to embrace, and they grew up a little or a lot . I learned not to lie to myself. I learned to trust my gut and I learned that I need patience.

The big take away is: Don’t rush yourself into something with another human if you don’t feel it. If your body, mind and soul are fighting, it most likely means this is not the person to move on with. Doesn’t mean you can’t have fun and meet Mr. Right now, it just means, if you aren’t ready its ok. If your exes move on at a faster pace, and people tell you they are just doing a rebound type romance and that they still miss you, I’m here to tell you, don’t believe that. They moved on and that is that. Even if it is a rebound or not, don’t second guess your decision or theirs. If you made it you know why and if they made it, then you see why.

Don’t underestimate your gut power. Don’t underestimate being single and happy because you are preparing yourself to feel the right things for the right person. I am sure I will know when that happens. I think we all will because it will be the perfect Fairytale ending.

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