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How to be More Authentic in Bed

Have you ever noticed that the majority of people having sex sound very similar? It seems to follow a certain formula.. a consistent moan, a repetitive squeak and a rhythm with the consistency of a pneumatic drill.. There might even be the odd audible, ‘oh my god,’ or ‘keep going, faster harder..’ These might sound like outworn stereotypes, but it still seems to be at large, particularly in heterosexual couplings.

I’m not trying to come off as some sex starved weirdo who purposefully sits around waiting to overhear the bedroom antics of an unsuspecting couple. This is certainly not the case at all.. it’s more that when I have been in the vicinity of said bedroom activity by chance (typically due to share house or apartment living), and I can’t help but notice these consistencies.

I’m also not excluding myself from this picture either. In the spirit of transparency, I have felt the pressure to sound and look a certain way whilst performing the good old horizontal mumbo. It just makes you wonder where does this pressure come from? Why do a lot of us look and sound so darn similar in the sack? And is this something that is being carried out on a conscious or subconscious level?

The answer is mainstream porn. I would definitely have to say that there is just way too much of it and it’s way too accessible.  This is certainly not a new notion by any means. Many people from note able academics to stand up comedians have made this point, like my favourite Aussie comedian  Kitty Flanagan..  And  of course there are alternative porn makers or erotic filmmakers that seek to present and explore a more realistic version of human sexuality on screen. Production company Permission 4 Pleasure is one example of this.

Despite this, a lot of us, particularly in the West are conditioned by pornography to think that sex has to be a certain way: women need to look and sound like they are enjoying every single touch, thrust and pump, men are supposed to have big throbbing erections that last for hours, both sexes are supposed to love anal sex (and a variety of other adventurous/degrading acts) and what’s more arousing than having someone ejaculate all over your face, chest and stomach right?

Obviously there is nothing wrong with anyone freely choosing these things if that is what they truly desire and enjoy, but I would argue that a lot of people don’t truly enjoy these activities or consciously choose them. It seems like many people (particularly young women) engage in these activities with their male counterpart because they think they need to in order not to come off as a ‘prude’ or ‘frigid’.  A lot of men are conditioned to become aroused by these acts and think that this is what women want through watching countless hours of degrading mainstream pornography.

No wonder a lot of relationship and intimacy issues arise as a result of this insidious addiction to mainstream porn. I’ve truly lost count of the amount of times I’ve overheard a woman saying things  like, “he does these things that I don’t really like but I do them anyway because I don’t want him to be offended or think I’m not into him.”  Or overhearing a guy ‘bragging’ about all the different sex acts and positions he has done whilst secretly longing for a deeper and more meaningful connection.

​It seems like what we secretly want, what we secretly yearn for deep down despite any differences in race, gender, ethnicity or sexual orientation is a sacred sexuality. A sexuality that is based on respect, trust and real intimacy;  A physical expression of real love and unity with someone we truly care about. One where we feel safe to engage freely without fear, embarrassment, pressure or self consciousness. Divine sexuality: the sacred union that paves the way to enlightenment.

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Julia Shay

I’ve been fascinated by issues associated with gender, sexuality, culture and spirituality since I was about fourteen years old. It wasn’t until 2016 when a series of events led me further down the spiritual path that I became much more conscious of the ways in which I have been  conditioned by society to think, feel, and, behave in a plethora of outdated ways. I also became acutely aware of how this conditioning was playing out on a broader societal level around me, and the damage it is causing to the collective human psyche. I have a strong  background in counselling and I am a registered social worker. My passion is helping people on their own healing journey using a variety of modalities. Follow me on FacebookInstagram  or check out my website.