We all have responsibilities: bills to pay, mouths to feed (even if it’s just our own), a career to advance or business to scale, relationships to invest in, and more. We also have things we want to do: sit down and read that book, go on that adventure, or even sit down for five minutes without interruption.

But if we’re a giver, we’re probably so focused on the things we need to do that we don’t always have time for the things we want. We might not even have time to evaluate whether we still want the things we think we want. We might be so focused on taking care of everyone and everything else that we’ve completely lost sight of ourselves, our wants, and most of all, our needs.

What do we need right now?

It might not be the question we want to ask.

But it’s the question that we should ask. Because while we’re busy taking care of all the things that keep life running smoothly and chasing the things that make for a pleasant experience right now—or at least a stable one—we often miss out on that thing we need right now to make life at this moment amazing.

What do we need right now?

It’s a serious question. What do we need right now? Right this very second?

Do we need a cup of coffee or tea?

Do we need a nap?

Maybe we need 5 minutes to pee without little eyes watching we.

Maybe we need someone to listen as we vent about a breakup or our boss.

It might be that we need a date night with our partner so we can reconnect and feel close again.

Maybe we need a weekend away, a few sessions with a life coach, or a day at the beach.

We both know that as we asked the question, what do we need right now, we immediately had an answer. We instantly thought of something that we need right now, even if we shoved away the thought just as quickly as it came.

It’s okay to admit that we need something. It doesn’t matter what that something is, either. We can be silly and say we need to eat all the ice cream in our freezer, or we can be serious and say that we need our spouse to go to couples counseling with us so we can get our marriage back on track.

The important thing is to admit to our needs.

We can’t keep giving if we don’t have what we need

The saying is, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” The reality behind it is that if our needs are unmet, eventually we’ll have nothing left to give.

When our cup is empty and we feel like we have nothing left to give, most givers still manage to find some hidden reserve that we draw from. We find a few last dregs to provide to our children, our partner, or our career.

But we also know that takes a toll. Eventually, we’ll snap and lose our temper over something minor. Or we’ll forget something important, like a doctor’s appointment or that our oldest had a big recital today. Or something else might happen, but ultimately the result is the same: we run out of anything to give, and someone else often suffers the consequences right along with us.

That’s why it’s critical to get our own needs met. But we must remember that our children, spouses, and others around us aren’t mind readers. There may be basic needs, such as a healthy meal or a good night’s rest, that we think they should just know we need—and sometimes they do just know. We should still ask. Never assume.

But when our need is more profound than that? When the need that is unmet is a connection with our partner, a warm bubble bath with candles and soft music while we read so we can relax, or a night out with some friends, we have to speak up. Those needs, while they might seem obvious to us, are unlikely to be recognized by others unless we say something.

 Speak up

We can know that we need to ask for what we need, but we also usually make excuses. It’s not the right time is the most common.

That’s what givers always say. We always think it’s not the right time. Someone else needs something from us, so our needs get put on the back burner until a better time.

But the truth is, there’s never going to be a better time. We have to learn to speak up for ourselves and ask for what we need, even if it’s not the best time.

If we know what we need right now, speak up. Ask for it. Tell someone we need it. Demand it if we must.

Don’t take no for an answer. Create our own space for it. Find others to help we get what we need if we can’t do it alone.

And while we refuse to accept no from others, make sure we say no ourselves. Say no to others so we can carve out time for what we need. Skip the PTA, the soup kitchen, watching our best friend’s kids, or listening to our ex whine about how much he or she misses us for the umpteenth time.

Check in often

Things change from moment to moment. The answer to the question, what do we need right now will be different now from our answer in 10 minutes, six hours or eight days.

This doesn’t mean we have to ask ourselves every second of the day. But do ask often.

Ask every time we’re feeling stressed. Ask when we feel bored. Ask when we’re angry, confused, or trying to figure out the next step.

Ask when we have a significant decision to make. Ask when we’re trying to decide between two options that sound equally ideal.

Ask when we first get up in the morning. Ask before we go to bed at night.

Be open to unexpected answers. Sometimes the answer might be something out of the blue: to quit our job, end a relationship, call a friend we haven’t talked to in months or years, take a spontaneous weekend road trip. Be open to it. See where it takes us.

Ask yourself right now

Don’t just click away from this article and read something else. Take a moment right now. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath and let it out. Then ask yourself.

What do I need right now?