Making Amends

The old saying, “A stitch in time, saves nine,” is as true mending relationships, as it is mending clothes. The pieces of a torn relationship will be more difficult to put together as time slips by. A moment wasted by thoughts of who was right and who was wrong may be a lost opportunity. Relationships are different levels of friendship and transcend consideration of blame when we struggle to protect them. The one who is stronger should make the effort. Most friendships are worth preserving, or why were they friendships to begin with?

How do we make amends? A neutral ground is helpful, especially if the breach is for complex reasons. The old standby is to invite the other party out for lunch, a hike, bike-ride, or any activity of mutual interest. A cooling-off period is not just for overheated cars. Cooling off together is far more effective than separately.

Although not always possible, avoid speaking of the breach directly. We may get lucky and see things resolve themselves by the natural flow of events. If the subject of the breach is broached, however, keep words few, and listen well. Often people angry with us just want our ear, so listen. People like to be heard. Don’t agree or disagree, if possible, but just listen.

A big f**k-up on our part may, however, demand a prompt response, or the moment will be lost. I remember once accusing a waiter of stealing my watch. I set mine on the table while dining and discovered I had forgotten it while leaving the restaurant. I inquired of the waiter and also asked the hostess to check the lost and found, but no one saw it. Finally, I was sure it was the waiter who took it, and accused him, making a small scene in the process. Shortly after doing so however, I discovered it had fallen between two booths.

I left the restaurant with my friends but felt like such a s**t that I returned, bowed to the waiter, three times Buddhist style, got on my knees, and asked for forgiveness. Not surprisingly, he was too stunned to respond, but I felt cleansed and that I had taught myself a lesson. It was so difficult to do — really embarrassing!

If steps aren’t taken to make amends right away, while on the front burner, they may end up on the back burner and staying there. Nothing goes away by wishing it will go away. Getting in the thick of contention shows we care. Even if we are wronged, there is nothing that says we cannot go up to the other party and say, “you know, I am sorry about what happened, but let’s put it behind us…………………” It is just being honest.

Sometimes the deep pain entailed in a romantic relationship gone amok causes us to erect a wall of protection, but this wall also keeps negative feelings locked inside. As tempting as it is, it is probably better to put ourselves together enough to say something like, “sorry I wasn’t what you wanted, but best of luck wherever you go!” It may thaw out the ice a bit and cannot hurt anything. Doing so will also allow amicable chance meetings in public places, rather than awkward social encounters.

As social beings we need each other. Finding new friends seldom mends a breach, popular “solution” though it may be. The problem that we are running away from will inevitably follow us wherever and to whomever we go. So, it is far better to find ways to work through things while in the thick of an unwanted situation, than trying to escape it by changing the situation, an irresponsible attempt to sidestep issues.

In summing up, amends are always worthwhile. The people in our lives are part of our identity. A “perfect” relationship without contention is an illusion, and, thankfully so, for how could a relationship be dynamic and afford growth if it were without challenges?