We’re mostly the same. Apparently the genetic difference between men and women accounts for a little over 3% of our being. And I’ve learned the hard way how damaging it can be on my entire being if this 3% isn’t acknowledged, understood and respected. The reason I’m focusing on men’s work is, in part, because I’ve learned how essential it is for me to connect with other men and to learn how to give and receive in a meaningful way in those relationships. It is also, in part, due to the challenges I endured during two marriages, where I lacked an authentic connection with an unconditional support system that would encourage and empower me to step into my life with integrity, regardless of the risks.

Of course, I’m also learning to give and receive in meaningful ways in relationships with women. But there is a difference.

As an example: There is often an “accountability round” in the routine of a men’s group. Often what comes up is a man will let the other men know if he’s been accountable with a challenge he created for himself the week before or he’ll share why he’s feeling out of alignment with a choice or behavior; this can be about a man’s struggle with his partner or about sexuality. Perhaps it’s about an addiction to pornography or another challenge with addiction. 

These issues can be dealt with in a setting with a very conscious female therapist, friend or partner, someone who can manage the projections, for both themselves and the man, that will likely manifest while this vulnerable and, at times, ‘shadowy’ territory is explored. But this is obviously rare.

For me personally, as I attempted to navigate my shadow in the vulnerable and damaged container of my past relationships, my dis-ease, desires and an emerging unconscious drive for individuation were far too complex to understand and hold. I learned to repress and hide these aspects of myself. Obviously, I felt a deep need to bring these aspects of myself to light, to reveal and process them in front of someone who was truly open to hearing and validating my truth. I didn’t reach out to a therapist at this time, and I didn’t know about men’s groups or men’s work. I was lost and in despair and the consequence was an unhealthy heart and choices that were out of alignment.

The truth is, my repression of these truths in my relationships, was less out of shame that it was out of a fear of the reaction of my partners (and my inability to navigate the complex feelings and uncertainty that manifested from these reactions).  I was unable to be in integrity and I was unable to hold space.

In a men’s group, a man’s truth is received by others who can relate, without judgement. If judgement arises in another man, within this setting, this becomes his work to do. And once a man realizes he is safe and not alone in the world, and that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with him, in the way he was led to believe, his entire world begins to change. From here he begins the often uncomfortable process of learning to let his guard down. To be fully exposed. And to connect with an open heart with other men. He learns to be himself and step into alignment with who he is truly meant to be. As we integrate our shadows and finally accept them, they cease to haunt us in unconscious ways. And we begin to heal. 

An authentic bond with other men, one where a group truly holds each other in a time of need while simultaneously supporting each other to grow and to be in integrity, takes so much pressure off of a man’s relationships with the women in his life; those who carry the life-giving, maternal, heart-warming, intuitive and, at times, sexually arousing power of the feminine.

For men who have a masculine essence, the feminine is also truly mysterious. And I sense that many of the women who possess this energy are not entirely in tune with its power and influence and so are unable to be sympathetic to the challenges that come up as a man gets to know this seemingly uncharted and indescribable territory. And, truth be told, I believe it is natures way to call a man toward this uncharted territory without sympathy from the woman who holds it. It’s his rite of passage to take. And if he moves toward the feelings and emotions that this rite of passage beckons from the depths of his being, and speak his truth from this place, he will discover the greatest gifts that this life has to offer. That being said, he should tread carefully as this inexplicably powerful energy is delicately and perfectly woven into the depths of a man’s vulnerability and his most tender wounds, and therefore, also, his longing to return to the love he felt in his mother’s arms when he was a boy. This is by design. Again, if a man is willing to move toward this dynamic in a good way, with the willingness to feel his way through (as opposed to control) the relationship, the gifts on the other side are life-affirming, freeing and divine.

This is not something to be learned over night. For me this rite of passage has been ongoing for about 25 years. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I’m also still ‘in it’, in a very humble way.

Every human tethers to someone or something. Our mother is our first ‘Source.’ To a child she carries the love of Creator. When we leave the nest we must eventually untether from our parent and find another primary “Source” to tether to. A ‘tribe’ of men can channel that love of Creator, taking the pressure off of a feminine partner, who can easily be confused (by both partners) as the source of this love; the love she is meant to offer a child (by proxy, spiritually and physically). When there is confusion here, resentment builds. Most often without understanding why.

It should be noted that most men also have much healing to do when it comes to the masculine and developing a relationship with other men that is rooted in trust. If a man’s words and emotions are respected and held by other men, he connects to this brotherhood and heals the divide between himself and every subsequent man he encounters. The wounds that exist within a man’s relationship to the masculine and to his father (literally and archetypally) are often very deep.

At year 25 of this rite of passage, one insight I have learned along the way about women, or those who carry a feminine essence (gender certainly doesn’t dictate energy), is that when a woman cultivates her feminine in a good way, she connects to a powerful and divine Source. As she aligns with the natural world, her heart and with the Great Mystery, she in turn offers, in her own unique way, this wisdom to the world. She inspires men to step into their potential and into empowered, aligned and authentic roles in their families and communities.

My advice to women readers, respectfully and humbly, is that you do not put your lives on hold, waiting for the men in your lives to step into their potential, or try to talk them into something they are not yet ready for. Just listen to your heart and trust that our Creator is indeed compassionate. And, like White Buffalo Calf Woman (in the image above), just show up. And pray for those in your life that struggle or simply haven’t yet found their way.