March 25, 2017 around 6 pm I was getting perscriptions, buying baby socks, and baby food. My Aunt called and told me “my sister had died”.

My life went from “normal” to so dark and unbearable in a matter of seconds. I remember getting to my sisters house and a police officer was walking out, I asked him “Is she?”, he said “I think your mom really needs you right now.”. I fell to the ground and I fell from the most beautiful highest point I have ever reached in my life. To the darkest, lowest, depths of pain. I never realized there was a pain so deep.

Everyday I would wake up and for one second when my eyes would open was the only peace I got. My mind had that one second that didn’t process everything yet. It was my favorite time of the day. Gradually everything started falling apart until I pretty much had no one except my kids and my dog (Thank God I had them). The people who wanted to be there I wouldn’t let them in my life. I made sure to sabotage everything that could have gone right.

Before my sister passed I never believed in anything, but someone once asked me “When she died did you bow your head and beg?”. I did. I put my hands together and begged. I begged God to change his mind. Everyday. Until I accepted he couldn’t bring her back, so I started flipping off the sky and telling him I hated him. Everyday.

One day the sky flipped me off back. I felt as if a weight was lifted off of me. Like someone was listening. Someone cared. Maybe it was her. That was our thing. Could she do that? It was her.

After that I started looking up souls, afterlife,  consciousness, numerology, astrology, Jyotish, mythology, psychology, neurology, anything, and everything I possibly could to try to understand what I could have possibly done to deserve this line of events in my life. I wanted to know why. I seemed like I could never find out that answer to anything. So, instead of sleeping in my free time, I started researching.

“How to grieve”, “What are the health benefits to crying”,“what happens to your brain when you die”, “what is a pineal gland”, “how to meditate” “what is a life path number”, “does everyone have a soulmate”, “twin flames”, “reincarnation”, “past life regression”, “houses of astrology”, “Nakshatras” “Vedic science” “Remedies” and so much more.

Two years I have spent trying to find out why and I have yet to. What I did find through all of this is peace. I have found out how to make this pain useful. I don’t always have all the right words to say, but I know I can find them. Sometimes it’s hard to find the words for pain, but they’re all out there and I will keep looking until I find out why.

When you hit the bottom and you have no where to go you naturally start to climb. The bottom is not your defeat. It’s your transformation. This was the beginning of my journey. Beginnings aren’t easy, but they’re so worth it.