Last week at dinner, in the middle of a sentence my husband stops me from talking and asks if I bit my lip. “No” was my answer. He goes on to explain that I have this awful red mark on my lip and am I sure I am OK. I stopped talking, I stopped looking at him, and I stopped being present.

I knew what was wrong with my lip, it was scar tissue from the bloody lip I got as a little girl. My sister shoved me while we were playing in the woods. I fell, and my face landed on a jagged piece of ice. Ripped the shit out of my lip and instead of getting me back home and the hospital, my sister decided to hold ‘said piece’ of ice on my lip until it stopped bleeding. And she made me swear that I wouldn’t tell our parents. Such a nice memory.

As I sat there across from my husband who was trying to engage with me, all I could think was, great another thing I can be self-conscious about. I had had a crappy day, and my emotions were a little raw, his observation brought me to the point that I wanted to tap out.

I can admit, sometimes pointing out one of my many flaws can seem like a landmine even if you are trying to show concern, and other times I am OK with it, but that night, he should have held his tongue. I hate the thought of being mean to him, but even after 20 some odd years sometimes enough is enough. He hates it when I shut him out, and that night, he accused me of ‘shutting down.’ It is not the first time he has said this to me, and he hasn’t been the only one to accuse me of this. But what appears to be shutting down is really, in fact, shutting out.

I am a highly sensitive, introverted empath which means I get a triple whammy of reaction to stimuli. I am like a sponge that grows to three times its original size when placed in water. For me, this water is the outside world. Sometimes, I can’t take any more in, I am thoroughly saturated. I want to curl up into the protection of my shields and roll away like an armadillo.

When I get to this point, I need to be quiet, and I need to focus. I need to place all the energy I still have left to process the ‘water’ I have taken on. There is no other way, there is no way to speed it up, and any outside stimuli will be rejected and bounced off my invisible shields.

Here is my definition of shutting down; It is a slow deterioration of the spirit. It is slowly letting go of things that were once important. It is not dealing or processing emotions. It is the sparkle in one’s eyes fading. It is a state that is hard to come back from. It is dark, cold and empty.

Shutting out looks different; It is a quick and acute attack on the senses. This attack makes one want to grasp on to everything that one holds dear, so it doesn’t get swept away. Shutting out is a way to move inside so you can focus and process the garbage you have taken on. It’s hiding the flash of pure emotion you feel and express through the eyes. It is easier to come back from it if given the space to process. It is hot, with a kaleidoscope of color that makes you feel bloated.

Do you see the difference?

Here is a simple way of dealing with this, if you are faced with someone who suddenly stops talking and engaging. They are shutting out the world, including you. Let them! It doesn’t help to continue to peck away at them. You must start getting comfortable with the uncomfortable situation. The best thing you can do for them is to give them the time and the space to process. They will come back, and when they do, they might let you in and share what went wrong.

Photo Courtesy of Bush Gardens Tampa 2012