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May 4, 2019

Living In the Mystery

Wee hours of the morning ponderings: Where do you draw the line between questioning all you think you know, going with all you feel is true intuitively and simply trusting what is, living in the Mystery?

I was born with a rampant curiosity to comprehend what makes me, and everyone else, tick. It is one reason I became a therapist who sits with those who, in some cases, struggle with their own existence and sometimes seek to end it. These folks lay their fears and hopes out before me and ask me to help sort them out as if they are so many pieces of cloth. Some of the fabric is shredded and threadbare and some gorgeously silken. I am honored that there is such a level of trust. In the past four decades, there have been times when I feel I am on track and at others ask myself what makes me think I have a right to tell anyone what to do since I have my own uncertainties and insecurities. That’s when I remind myself that I am simply a guide and they are the traveler who decides whether to accept my map. I offer the best that I know given my own successes and challenges.

In the past 60 years of this incarnation, I have experienced extreme love and extreme loss, sometimes in relation to the same people. Widowed at 40, with an 11-year-old son to raise as a single parent, became an adult orphan at 50 when my parents died and have said goodbye to several friends since then when they ‘left the building,’ five since the end of 2018. I have had health crises, including a heart attack in 2014. I am coming up on my fifth cardiaversary on June 12th and am grateful each day for a healthy and open heart that has room to embrace new people and adventures.

It brought with it a sense of urgency to question the trajectory of my life. Much I had thought I had known was swept away like so much dust when a gust of wind blows on through. Who I thought I was changed in (literally) a heartbeat. A caregiver who practiced savior behavior was replaced, at least temporarily by someone who was in need of care. Initially, I was able to take one halting step at a time before needing to catch my breath. It didn’t take long before I had returned to my accustomed activity, fearing incapacity more than death. A client asked me recently if I was afraid of dying and I told her that death doesn’t scare me, but needing to depend on others for the long term for my care, was more of a challenge. Yesterday, when speaking with my bestie who has been in my life since we were 14, she chastised me a bit for working too hard and not taking enough vacay time. She knows that I am a solopreneur who juggles numerous jobs to stay afloat. As has been the case for as long as I can remember, I had a moment of panic and the words, “you can’t take that away from me,” came through. Neither she nor anyone else has the power to take my work from me. Even as I have had some short terms positions that were cut short for funding reasons, I knew I would always rebound and find other creative outlets and sources of income. I always have.

A new job as Social Media Maven for a children’s mindfulness program has brought with it, both delight and trepidation. I know this stuff inside and out since I am a consummate networker and what I call a PR Goddess, Buzz Queen, Connector, Cosmic Concierge,  and Matchmaker.

In his book, The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell refers to a Maven as:

“a person who has information on a lot of different products or prices or places. This person likes to initiate discussions with consumers and respond to requests … they like to be helpers in the marketplace. They distribute coupons. They take you shopping. They go shopping for you … This is the person who connects people to the marketplace and has the inside scoop on the marketplace.”

My hesitation has nothing to do with outreach, but in-reach. There is a learning curve that comes with the design of memes I am being called on to create. Graphic artistry is not one of my areas of expertise. The inner critic screeches, “What if you can’t meet expectations? What if it isn’t good enough and by extension, what if you aren’t good enough?” My friends who hired me assure me that I know what I’m doing and will succeed marvelously. Not sure how this gremlin was born since I was raised by parents who were loving, supportive and encouraging. They were my most ardent cheerleaders. I have rebounded from any perceived failures (my own perception) as if I was on a trampoline.

I have been able to tap into my own intuition and trust my gut about people and circumstances and when I tumble into spiritual amnesia I am sent messages that all is well and I dive into the mystery.

 

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