I think I’ve been learning there are different roads of kindness throughout my long road in life. From all of this, it hurts when I realize I’m not as important to someone as I thought I was. If they won’t lift a few fingers to call me or to see me or to spend time with me, it’s time for me to lift five fingers and wave bye-bye! I almost broke my thumbs doing that the other night with all the messaging I was putting into my phone and only getting a response from my mom. One would think that with me flying two thousand miles across country for a few family functions, more would be excited to see me. Yet, everyone seemed so unavailable for what appeared the entire month I was visiting. It hurts when you realize you don’t seem as important to people as you thought you were. Fridays and Saturdays are still lonely in this old age.
I can totally understand people being busy with work, family, with life when trying to invite them out during the middle of the week, my mind being on a different time zone and vacation after all. Then I see what is going on with them by updates in their lives every five minutes, and I happened to be just down the road. However, when I look over at my phone, there hadn’t been a response to anything I had sent out just to see if anyone wanted to party on. This is when I begin to realize, maybe I just have to let some go.
The problem is, I don’t know what a true friend is anymore these days. Have you ever sat with your friends and just known that you’re the least important person in the group? Then, you felt like it really wouldn’t make a difference if you were even there or not? I sometimes think that when I’m out for some fun, sixty percent of the stories I tell go unfinished because someone either cuts me off and then everyone turns their attention to them or maybe no one was even listening to me in the first place. A stranger can become my best friend just as easily as a best friend can become a stranger. If I just got up from the table and left, would anyone even notice? It’s almost like I’m not even “friends” with some people anymore. The saddest thing is when I am feeling real down, I look around and realize that there really doesn’t seem to be a shoulder when I need one, except my boyfriend in the next room.
Sitting in my chair all day, even if I did have plans, can get a little boring. It may not seem like such a big deal, but there is only so much on Netflix. I can get what seems like an automatic reply to a text message to plans we’re making, like, “Oh yeah, I can’t wait, I’m down for tomorrow. SO excited you’re here!” And then the next day; no plans are made. I pretty much gave up sending a, “Hey, are we still doing anything today?” message because I know I would get nothing. If one moment I cut them off, chances are they handed me those standard scissors. I’m not really mad; I guess really more hurt. There’s a difference. I do know I’m not the only person in this big ass world. But, when I haven’t seen the faces I thought would be excited to spend five minutes with me, the way that dreaded social network made it seem, there only seemed to be excuses or no responses on my phone. These days, I really just miss the memories, not the people. Those were some really fun memories.
Good friends are like stars; I don’t always see them, but I do know they’re there, somewhere. It’s almost the same as a friend who comes and goes, but the true ones last forever. The problem is that I don’t know who my true friends are anymore these days. Nowadays, I’m beginning to realize that they can break your heart, too. Some walks on this road in life, I really might have to take alone.
I think I’ve learned this, these past few years. Airplanes have been making me think. They also make me realize that I might have found my new promise land. The Silver is becoming my new Great Lakes.