There are moments when I have no idea who I am. When the words nut and crazy can cut into me like a machete.

A simple disagreement can find me under the covers in the dark, wishing everyone in my life away. What I am describing is the residual effects of being a daughter of a narcissistic mother and an example of when I could not let the effects of an argument go and retreated into familiarity.

Growing up with a mother whose moods were as unpredictable as a magic eight ball, I learned to always be ready for disappointment. If she was in the wrong mood, all plans would be canceled, lies would be told to friends and family while my mom would lock the bedroom door, ignoring her two children and husband who begged and pleaded for the door to be open and repeat apologies we didn’t know to what.

I never knew what to call my Mom’s moods and as family they were never discussed. A secret within the house covering us like a storm cloud which we never knew would erupt, yet we knew there were days when the rainbow would shine, and sunshine would illuminate.

Those days of happy times became far and between as my parents’ marriage was ending and I was college. My little sister would tell me episodes I was no longer there to whisk her away for ice cream or the library.

As an adult, I catch moments of myself when a disagreement between my husband is like watching an old home movie. Me on one side of the door, he on the other. Thoughts so bizarre and out of character, it’s as if a dark, menacing creature has taken over my mind and soul.

At times, my husband in the fervor of an argument will say “It’s not always about you!” This saying was common in my household when an “A” on an assignment would go without praise or a permission slip was thoughtlessly tossed in the garbage.

Narcissists cannot fathom thinking of anyone else, even their children who rely on them. So yes, I am aware the world is not always about me. Therapy has helped me realize though I am NOT my mother and has given me the awareness to check myself before closing the door.