August 31, 2019

Dear 35: All I have to say is, What the Actual F?


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I think I’m going to be sick. Even thinking about writing this in my head sounds like a bad idea.

No one needs to know this crap. How is this going to help the “image” of the woman who has it all together? But my heart is all in. All in on writing this out. All in on coming out of the darkness that has been following me for too long.

The past four years I have dedicated my life to being an online coach. I’ve spoken at live events, held webinars, started a killa podcast, coached oodles of beautiful women, lead group classes, partnered with leaders in the industry and coached alongside them, travelled to LA to learn in a VIP branding class, travelled to Sacramento for a life-changing coaching event, spent over 20,000 to personally grow so I could be the best out there. I’ve done the funnels, the freebies, the books, lead a collective book and had it published, the email lists, the FB groups, the IG collabs—what I’m saying is—I’ve been full-out dedicated to this mission, this dream, this calling.

And then one day, it all stopped.

I could totally say it was the algorithms, the lack of strategy, the way the online space changes rapidly, and for a while, I could hold on knowing I was trying my best, but as time kept creeping away and silence kept greeting me on the other end of my heartfelt posts, I knew something was happening…I just didn’t have the courage to own it at the time.

This was my dream.

Four years ago, there was nothing more I wanted than to be known for being a leader, an influencer, a somebody.

I didn’t want to let this one go.

I didn’t want to be seen as a failure.

I didn’t want the door to close.

I had thought that if you follow your dreams it will work out. I had thought that if you can believe it, you can achieve it but I was in the muck. It felt like I was giving up the more I thought about walking away from all the hard work I had put in.

“The Universe knows your deepest desires, even before you do.” ~ Cassie Jeans

It took me six months to see what was happening. It took me a year to fully surrender. The stress that I was under was tearing me apart slowly. Even though I was able to show up fully present for my clients, this shadow was looming over me that I couldn’t shake.

I remember one night in particular, after another “failed” launch of a program, I was in my car driving on a back road, sobbing, screaming, wanting nothing more than anything to run my car into a pole and be done with it all. I have two beautiful children, an incredible husband and family, and friends who love me dearly but that night I wanted the pain to end.

The monsters in my head were in full control and I believed them when they said I was failing. I believed them when they said getting a job would be an embarrassment. The emotional pain was so heavy and I was scared, lonely, and knew this was not the way I wanted to live anymore.

I began this journey into personal development because I was super broken. I hated myself, literally. I was hell-bent on staying on the self-loathing train. I didn’t like who I was, and thankfully had enough courage one day to finally do something about it. I transformed my life. I recreated my entire belief systems about what it means to be alive.

I shared my journey, and it was and still is, a beautiful one because today, I love me. I mean, I loooovvveeee me. I’m into my flavor and zest for life. I love the mom I have become because the woman I was before would have torn her kids apart. I am a better communicator with my husband and no longer rely on him for my happiness. I’m grateful instead of entitled and I’m open instead of judgmental. I’m multitalented and super proud that I can create art in pretty well everything I do.

The thing is, I’m not broken anymore. Not like I was anyway. I will always have opportunities to grow as a person but the deep wounds have healed and I feel a peace inside I wouldn’t trade for anything.

And so, when my coaching business started drying up, I was confused. I thought that surely this would be the time when it would be flourishing and when I would be booked months in advance and when I would finally be sailing and feeling at ease in my business. But the complete opposite was happening. I was only getting by and deeply unsatisfied.

“I had to make you uncomfortable otherwise you never would have moved.” ~ Universe

It was time.

Time to turn a new page.

Time to start a new chapter.

Time to let go.

Time to embrace a different adventure.

I questioned this severely. I had to make sure I wasn’t “giving up.” I had done this a lot in my past but this time it felt different. This time it felt like I was surrendering with love, grace, compassion, curiosity, and a willingness to stop fighting for something that had served its purpose.

In August 2019, I closed up my coaching business. Silently at first. I asked my mom if I could come back to the salon and start styling hair again and she welcomed me with the most beautiful open arms. I met with my favorite local coffee shop and asked if they needed help in the shop and in a month or so, there may be a place for me there. I started teaching English online in the mornings to super cute kids overseas.

I opened up to the possibility that there was more for me. I didn’t realize it but at the time my life had become based on whether I was “successful in online coaching” and I had created a tunnel that I didn’t even want to be walking into anymore. Listen, we can be really amazing at something but it doesn’t always mean that we have to do that something anymore. We can choose as long as we stay open.

None of the time spent in the coaching industry has been a waste. I like the person I am today, that’s an incredible gift. I don’t feel unsuccessful. I did for a while there, but I don’t anymore. I’m dreaming again. I’m realizing there are so many business opportunities at my fingertips and I’m choosing the ones that are fun, playful, and reflect my belief that life is beautiful and we are worth loving ourselves enough no matter what.

My principles, values, the very essence of my soul will show up no matter what I am doing. How awesome is that?

“Someone said, don’t be afraid to start over again this time. You are not starting from scratch, you are starting from experience.” ~ Unknown

For anyone out there who can feel in their bones that it’s time to change, that it’s time to let something go, give yourself permission to take that step. It’s quite possible that you don’t want the same things you used to and that’s okay. You’ve changed. You’ve healed. You are allowed to try something new. 

I started writing this over a week ago and at the time, it did feel like a not-so-hot idea to share publicly but the more I spoke my truth with people I trusted, and the more love and support I received, I knew it was time to let others in on the journey.

I will continue to share the light in my heart and the love I have for humanity through my podcast and writing, but I’m ready to play in another business, another lifestyle, another way to live and breathe in this beautiful, epic life.


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