TBT (1998?)

Michael and I were doing a photoshoot for our magazine called Visions. For those who don’t know, from 1988-1998, we co-published a monthly that focused on wellness, spirituality, environmental concerns as well as peace and social justice issues. It was where I began my journalism career and interviewed some amazing movers and shakers who inspire me to this day. The stellar list includes Ram Dass, Marianne Williamson, Shirley MacLaine, Wayne Dyer, Bernie Siegel, Ben & Jerry, Dan Millman and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.  It earned me my writing chops and opened the door to usher in awesome opportunities to live a creative life that has me marveling. It helped me to follow my passion and live my purpose as a communicator.

There are times when it feels surrealistic. Michael died on 12/21/98. The woman I was back then has morphed from somewhat timid (hard to imagine for those who know me now), not wanting to make waves or rock the boat, or as he referred to me as, “an emotional contortionist who would bend over backward to please people, a deer caught in the headlights when it came to making decisions, who was almost always looking over your shoulder to see if the ‘propriety police’ were watching.” Not no more!

These days, I am assertive, openly communicative, (almost) no holds barred, although diplomatic and compassionate when I share what is on my mind. I am decisive and go for the gold much of the time. I still sometimes question if I will be judged for some of what I do, so I can be a bit reticent about baring too much of my heart and soul.

Although he and I had our head butting and heart-rending issues, I still honor what we shared. Do I wish that our lives together had been smoother and more peaceful? Yes. We came together with dovetailing issues that both fed and starved each other. Do I wish that we had never met? Never, but I do wonder what my life would have been like had on October 24, 1987, our mutual friend Ute Arnold not been our yenta and had I not gone to hear Ram Dass speak in Philadelphia and instead was in Russia on the Citizens’ Diplomacy Mission I had planned to be on….and so on down the timeline.

Being with him taught me who I am and who I no longer choose to be. It taught me the infinite power of love to overcome obstacles, It ushered me into a deeper relationship with Spirit since at the end of his life, I had many God-versations and God wrestling moments. I also learned a HUGE lesson, when one night in the ICU where I lived with him as he awaited a liver transplant that never happened, I heard a message from the Divine. I had said, “He’s mine and you can’t have him.” God said, “He’s mine and he’s on loan to you, like everyone else in your life.” Within a week, he had passed on to the Infinite.

In the past nearly 21 years, I have gleaned deeper lessons about love and loss. I have, as one friend encouraged me to do, in 2004, “Loved whoever God sent.” I have run scared from the possibility of Life Partnership. I have desired it as fiercely. I have called in wondrous lovers and friends who have danced with me for a bit and then moved on, as have I at times. I treasure those people. I have questioned every aspect of my life. I take nothing and no one for granted. I sometimes feel embarrassed about wanting what I don’t have at the moment.

I have distracted myself with work….allowing The Muse to be my lover. S/he never lets me down. Never walks away. Never expects me to be loyal to him/her. Never is jealous or angry. Allows me to engage 24/7 and doesn’t roll his or her eyes in frustration when I want to process feelings. S/he doesn’t require caregiving. S/he doesn’t abandon me. S/he knows that sometimes I am insatiable. S/he takes me on grand adventures. S/he tickles my imagination. S/he nurtures me. S/he provides sustenance and offers financial support. S/he is patient and kind. S/he brings all kinds of wondrous people into my life. In his/her presence, I feel beautiful. In return, I listen, love and learn and share what s/he wants the world to know. A small price to pay.

Now, to welcome those attributes in human form…I know you are out there somewhere. All you need to do is knock.

Thank you, Michael Moser, for being the first one to do that all those years ago.