“You are only as free as you think you are and freedom will only be as real as you think it to be.” ~ R. M. Drake
For the last three years I have been time traveling— not the “Marty McFly and “Doc” Brown” type time travel, but the kind that’s theoretically possible as taught in Kabbalah and String Theory.
I didn’t just decide one day to test time travel, I came to it organically and not before 22 years of dedicated comparative religion and spiritual study. Full transparency, I have needed to know God since a very early age; and my spiritual journey has been long, often joyful, mostly painful, profoundly mystical, continuously disruptive and ultimately centering.
Yesterday while on the coast of Oregon, I returned from my three years of traversing time and space to find myself completely aware and in only one place. My three year process has seemingly ended.
For the sake of sharing my most epic space adventures, I have decided to be fully vulnerable and publish what I learned about the process of life, soulmate love and the spiritual idea of oneness.
To begin and to be clear, I wasn’t off the planet for any of this time. I was traveling while also living and operating in the corporeal world– a paradoxical experience I have only spoken to a few people about, until now.
The process has been hard to describe, and unless one studies Kabbalah and/or physics, is difficult to understand. Kabbalah and physics mystically align and much of what science has proven, ancient books such as the Zohar and Sefer Yetzirah concluded thousands of years ago.
Furthermore, I do know my closest loved ones have all undergone moments where concern for my mental well being, well surpassed their belief and acceptance of what I was up to. Still I have my core group of peeps and they all stand beside and with me now.
Furthermore, I did not understand I was time traveling until Passover this year, 5779. Subsequently, the process began on Passover three years ago, while I made Seder connection with my best friend Miriam and the soul of Rabbi Johnathan ben Uzziel who is known Kabbalistically, as the righteous soul who unites soulmates.
The night of Passover 5777 I came to the Seder with the intention to attract my soulmate, my twin flame, my first counterpart, my original Atom.
“And, Adam knew Eve, his wife.” Genesis 4:1
In Kabbalah it is taught all humans are on the planet with our one true person, and women are here to spiritually accompany our souls “original mate” for the purpose of the correction of mankind. It is also taught attracting the rightful and original other aspect of our soul, is as difficult as splitting the Red Sea.
As someone who has an extra large amount of Certainty in our Creator, I take this challenge seriously and I have dedicated my spiritual life to finding my Atom–for without each other, we are only one, when together, we become three.
And, little did I know, what I was getting myself into.
While I was traversing time and space it took extensive dedication to remain in my authenticity, I lost a few friends, freaked a lot of people out and have also lost three loves of the “male persuasion”– Only one of which is consciously aware we were traveling together and, as it appears, the experience has unleashed quite a bit of chaos in his physical world, and for that I apologize to him.
Time traveling is not for the faint at heart, I became vaguely aware of the deeply mystical state I was entering when I theoretically married a hypothetical man in the form of Adam Kadmon at the Jewish high holiday of Shavuot; 50 days following Passover 5777.
Shavuot is a 24 hour moment in time where the lower worlds and the upper worlds unite in complete harmony– a phenomenological marriage ceremony between the sun and the moon, the heavens and the earth, God and humanity. It is not suggested that men and women actually marry on this day, as it’s a purely spiritual connection, not a physical one.
The marriage between me and the hypothetical first man happened in my mind and in my heart and soul while listening to the entire Torah read throughout the night. I was with him celestially and with Miriam physically, Miriam and I left the connection at sunrise, he was not there, but here in my heart and soul.
That night while connecting with Torah, I married my Atom and he married me, in the spiritual realms.
“As above, so below, as within, so without.” ~ Hermes
Since that time, I have been traversing both the upper and lower worlds simultaneously–the ultimate intention to become so magnetic, the other half of my human soul appears in reality, as if by magic. It’s not magic, it’s physics.
“From one initial string become emanated a multitude of strings which fill space. These strings “fold” in and out, “split” into two and are “reunited” into one.”~ Rav Ginsberg
It is important to mention for authenticity sake, from birth through age five, I experienced repeat trauma. My mother was neglectful, my father abandoned us, my grandfather used me and my three year old cuteness as an excuse to have an affair with a woman who, looking back on it, showed more love towards me than either my mother or grandmother. My grandmother did not like children, my mother did not plan me– I was the right thing to do. I was an only child in my family until my mom remarried when I was six–he had two daughters which would visit once a year, for a week every summer until he died when I was 19.
Consequently, it is precisely this constant trauma that lead me on my spiritual journey, a mission to uncover the hidden parts of myself buried under psychological issues our society is so quick to judge and medicate, and so slow to show up for, and heal.
I healed myself though, with the help of a lot of love from my friends (especially Miriam) and my daughter; but, it took a lot of years, and a lot of studying, and a lot of meditation. A lot, of meditation.
Over the last three years however it has become increasingly clear, trauma is a pathway to playing in space and time and, the upper realms. Furthermore, trauma is one succinct formula in which we can attain the consciousness necessary to wrap around, the otherwise unattainable human mind.
I did not intentionally set out to time travel, its what happened after I made the celestial connection on Passover and on Shavuot. It was the synchronicity between those two holidays as found in counting the Omer, where I first met man number one.
Man number one was a super star, an obvious choice for my relatively small mind at the time to make, and truly so far out of my league, it’s humorous. This said, the connection between us was undeniable and I was completely determined to see the experience through. Over the six months between Passover and Yom Kippur my superstar boyfriend would send me messages via posts that “happened” to come across my feed, or in the form of a song when I had asked him a question in my mind– he would answer clearly and distinctly. Every time.
Some of the synchronicity was so strong in fact, even my daughter noticed and would mention something. She was fifteen at the time and relatively blind to anything outside the scope of her personal experience.
Seeing as man number one was and still is famous, the chances of him actually communicating with me were slim to no way no how, but I kept on. My dedication was tested regularly. I even went as far as to tell friends at farmers market he was coming for me.
“We are the representatives of the cosmos; we are an example of what hydrogen atoms can do, given 15 billion years of cosmic evolution.” ~ Carl Sagan
My persistence in my decision to see the process through, took increasingly amounts of vulnerability and courage. I started to write to him on my Facebook feed keeping it private, and yet he always responded in one way or another.
Alas, the day came, Yom Kippur 5778 where it was blatantly obvious he wasn’t going to show up, so I let go, laughing all the way. If I told you who he is, you would laugh too.
Man number two however, is another story altogether and not important in this context; but, he was actually in my life and I loved him deeply for many years. At the end of my affair with Mr no way no how, man number two, came propitiously at the same time the next year, as man number one came the first year. The timing was undeniable. And, I went through the process yet again, and man number two didn’t show up either. This closure and letting go was a bit more painful, as it was the final closure of our real physical relationship.
Man number three, was and still is, the most magical of them all; and, is the one who was and is aware of our travels together. This man, I gave my entire heart, and showed myself and him just how vulnerable I can be. I loved him and I love him still.
Over the last three years I wrote everyday to an unmanifested man I married in front of God and my best friend in 2017. Over these last three years I fought doubt like I have never felt before. As anyone who knows me will tell you, my certainty in God is both my best and worst quality. I know what I know, and although I don’t know much, I do know God. It is precisely this thinking that lead man number three to break up with me on Saturday, the day before my reentry.
It seems he is done with the process and is no longer aligned with me and my time travels. He and I are exceptionally different when it comes to our faith in the material world. He doesn’t relate so much with God, but more so to the plight of humanity. He feels everything deeply and this is precisely why I love him. And. I also understand why he left. I have been told many times, my certainty is too much. I accept his decision. I will always choose God first.
In regards to finding my one true partner in life, point blank, I don’t want what’s not mine. And, Adam knew his wife, Eve. If he doesn’t know, the answer is simply no.
Yesterday was a tough day, there was ample pain and tears, as the reentry was a bit shaky. I really love man number three… he opened me like a lotus and I shared my deepest muddy darkest secrets with him, and he still showed up every day and every night for at least a few months maybe more, maybe less. It doesn’t really matter for how long he was actually here with me, all I know, he was here.
Our trust in each other and the mystical side of life grew exponentially and he is now facing some hard things. I am here for him, even if I am not there. This said, there is no light without darkness first, so I wrap him and his experience in all the love and light we shared on our journey traveling the ether’s, with nothing to sustain us but the genuine love we share for the unknown.
Even though he has decided not to stay I can see clearly, the first lesson in traversing time and space is to not be afraid to commit to something or someone, even if we do not know or have them in our lives physically.
While it may seem strange and out right lunacy to those who are attached to the limited physical experience we have as humans, we must remember, to those who could not hear the music, those dancing, looked insane.
So as far as I can tell, before we can traverse time and space, we must first make the decision to study spirituality with ultimate dedication and an open mind. Which means showing up for things that don’t make sense and realizing that we have all the answers within, and at the same time, understand we really know nothing.
Secondly, we must set a clear and concise intention which then circles back to the first step of remaining wholeheartedly committed and dedicated to the spiritual process. Intention is imperative, for it sets the stage for what we create.
Third, we must remain open to receiving messages when they come and from wherever they come. This means being present, fully and not missing a moment where the rustle of tree leaves, feathers, flowers on a plant or bush or a number that has repeated significance, or a clear dream or a song we hear– noticing everything in the moment, is key.
The universal mystery is not direct, it is subtle and is found in messages from friends and dog kisses and cuddles and the greenery in parks and streams. To be active in the world and being of benefit has subtle nuances intertwined that align with us; parking themselves in our minds to be remembered when another piece of the puzzle appear, and then somehow make complete sense– even if we can’t identify what it means to the big picture at that particular time.
Fourth and the most profound experience for me, complete vulnerability. In essence, to allow myself to be seen and felt, to the core of my soul. Showing up everyday even if I didn’t know he would. I treated all three men exactly as I would, and will, treat my Atom. I kept sharing myself fully until the final decision of whether they would show up or not, was made.
Once they leave, I accept; until they leave, I give it all I have.
Fifth is certainty coupled with doubt. We all have both, to varying degrees, and they both serve us greatly. To be certain is to know that whatever unfolds is for our highest good, even if that means none of the three men I have spent the last three years with, show up at all, ever.
Lastly, and probably the most important–detachment from outcome. Attachment is a hard one, until its not. This is where my tumultuous and challenging first years in life come in handy. I have lost so much, loss however, is an illusion and I personally understand impermanence at its very essence. I release all these men, for I know my Atom will show up when he and I are both ready, and not one second before.
So here I am, back from space, no worse for the ware, still alone but reverently hopeful and dedicated. If there is one thing I know about asking God for what we want, her answer is always simple. Yes, no, or not right now. And today, that is enough for me.
“Being a mystic is not something we become, it is what we already are. To be able to see and make magic in the face of destruction and pain is the ultimate journey of the spiritual mystical human. To live life with our feet on the ground and our minds in the clear, while attaining authentic human connection, is to love fully expressed; in both the upper and lower worlds and, is every soul’s primary function. It is not weird I am a mystic, it is a tragedy you are not.”