the other day I wondered, why did I love roller coasters so much as a child yet am slightly scared of them now?

was it a feeling of a loss of control, a lack of a internal locus point, a feeling that all would be lost as I careened down the hill? Why are adults so concerned with control, anyway?

It kind of reminded me of this moment I had at a support group where something struck me as funny and I suppressed my laughter. Adulthood can be like a straight jacket, emotionless, buttoned up, devoid of intense highs and lows. At my support group, I felt like it would be inappropriate to break in to unexplained laughter so I repressed my silent laughter, and buttoned up my straight jacket, and tried to pay attention to the seriousness of the group. It struck me as funny that there were so many different story lines going on in the group; out of the five or six of us, I was in a deep conversation with one, two I knew slightly deeply, one looked like they were in crisis, one was busy on her iPad and the other I had had paranoid or not so paranoid delusions about; As one of us cried about her pain I tried my best to stare down another participant that I assumed had it out to get me in delusional hatred. There were so many multifarious emotions going on in this group at the same time I found it hilarious, as if I was high on weed or ecstasy, yet I chose not to laugh.

Why is this? Why are adults so obsessed with decorum and control? Is this why I don’t like roller coasters as an adult? Am I scared to lose control? So then, I experienced a roller coaster of emotions, from deep joy to deep shame as I repressed my laughter, and realized we are all trying our best to say sane, or what looks like sane, at any given moment. It was momentous. We are all overwhelmed sometimes, and yet told to “keep a straight face.” Is this healthy or toxic? Are we all really repressed?

Society doesn’t make room for the wide variety of human emotion in civilization, and we are taught to experience our emotions behind closed doors. Sometimes, I find that this is a shame.

I used to love roller coasters as a child, but now I dislike them. Yet as I learn to deal appropriately with my emotions more and more, I find that I want to get back on that roller coaster — both literally and metaphorically —once again. Control is all well and good, but surrender is what makes life really worth living.