Christmas : I’ve forgot my freaking lines and maybe that’s a good thing!

It’ less than a week away… Nope I still haven’t started baking or shopping for the season. I’m going to be honest, I’m a big of a scrooge – ouch.

I just don’t get all the hype.

Since my parents bought me a three story Barbie mansion with a working elevator – when I was 8 years old – which was the best gift ever, it’s been down hill ever since.

How can one get that kind of HIGH again?

To be honest, I was not disappointed at all, when I found out Santa wasn’t real? ( Spoiler alert – sorry my bad)

I was freaking thankful!

I’ve always been a deep thinker. And frankly I found the idea of some weird old guy who never leaves his house, sneaking in ours at night – well scary?!

“The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.”

It’s literally a break and enter, gone bad – that was not comforting at all, for me as a kid!

I didn’t like that, that old dick he was making a list of our naughties and nices, to decide what we deserve – that sounds, mean, even manipulative and lot like something I was told about god – only most everyone, loves Santa, despite the fact that he spies on us, judges us and only bothers to come around once a year.

Damn, I have family and asshats creeping me on Facebook to do that!

I didn’t like that he overworked his reindeers. I didn’t like that poor Rudolph, was used by the same people who laughed and called him names.

I cried when they stuck Frosty in the greenhouse.

I was worried about Hermey, the elf, had to run away because his family couldn’t accept he wanted to be a dentist instead of someone’s else’s slave.

The elves did all the work and Santa got all the credit.

Who wrote this crap?

As I write this, I realize why, I’ve always had some underlying anxiety…

Sorry, superheros but I’m human and the whole crap shoot is exhausting, just to think about.

As per the last few decades, I’ll wait until the ‘ have to’ momentum to kick in, before I get into a store.( I think I may have missed my window of opportunity, to cash out all the crap I left in my electronic shopping cart on Black Friday, when I couldn’t sleep.)

Have you seen the Costco parking lot lately?

Woah – like settle down people, there is no shortage of STUFF to buy – it’s not the apocalypse! It’s Christmas – just chill out.

I’m a self proclaimed procrastinator. Always was about things I do NOT want to do.

I was the girl that would wait till the day before, to write that final 10k word essay for finals in the classes I hated.

And I’m also the girl who WAITS till the last few days to get ready for Christmas.

I need that final surge of Adrenalin to kick my butt into shape.

Then I beat myself up afterwards for waiting so long, yet AGAIN.

I don’t know if it’s my age, hormones or the fact that I feel like I’ve entered a new chapter of my life, but I’m not remotely bothered by my style, this year…. not at all.

I’m not depressed or devoid of all emotion either? So what is this new found sense of dare I say…..freedom?

I simply have chosen to put my F’s elsewhere, where they actually matter!

It’s official – we have crossed over from double digit days away where I can wait, to single digits where the clock is ticking.

Generally speaking this is around the time that the panic starts to creep in – and I blow through my home, the grocery store and the malls like a wrecking balls.

I would normally stay up into the wee hours of the night baking, from scratch of course. I curse and swear about doing it and then I do the same thing every damn year, then watch the kids choose nachos from a bag, instead.

I buy gifts that don’t get used or returned and then like in June I find them and I’m pissed. Sam has a drone still in the box from 4 years ago. When I see it – I’m seething.

Traditions – they are SO important for kids right?

I’ve tried REALLY hard to keep them after my husband and I separated 6 years and 4 months and 10 days ago to keep some assemblage of NORMAL.

So I’ve always done it the same old way then resented the hell out of it.

They head down to play their new video games or electronics and I stand in the kitchen most of the day – and after that big brunch I have to make, I start on supper, that no one eats because they have been snacking the entire day, then I spend my night washing dishes.

This year it’s out with the old, in with the new baby!

I just want to enjoy the day, watch A Christmas Story – the dark but funny one and sit down with my family, without getting up every 10 minutes to check on boiling potatoes, casseroles in the oven or to baste way too big of a turkey and be pissed that no one is helping.

Their Dad has them Christmas Day this year. I won’t have my Christmas until December 28th and by that time, they will have ate enough turkey and stuffing to feed a small village.

Maybe we will go shopping and they can pick out the stuff they ACTUALLY like and go out for supper, play cards against humanity or my favourite game Taboo? ( I bought it after watching Four Christmases, which if you are divorced, or come from a family of divorce, it is the perfect freaking holiday movie, because truth be told, there is NO such thing as a non-dysfunctional family! )

I do NOT have a plan per se and maybe that’s a good thing?

It lightens my load of the premeditated expectations I place on myself…. and even on others too?

And honestly, I don’t feel the weight of guilt, about not having the perfect ( whatever the hell that is ) Norman Rockwell Picturesque Christmas this time around!

It’s one day of the year. ONE.

I refuse to lose my shot, my sanity or my savings to try and make up for everything I’ve messed up, got wrong or wished I did differently; the previous 364 days of this past year!

It is about freaking time, I shake my head and shake that old tradition tree and see what falls out, ask them what they REALLY want and run with that instead and maybe, just maybe it will be a Merry freaking Christmas after all.