It’s fear. Fear is keeping my feet planted and preventing me from moving forward. Preventing me from opening up fully and letting you all the way in. Preventing me from trusting my decision to love you. Where does this fear come from you ask? It comes from the rejection I received from my mother growing up. The fear was also given to me when I wasn’t strong enough to tell my high school boyfriend I didnt want to be with him any longer and then weeks later finding out I was pregnant. Fear showed up after my marriage to said high school boyfriend ended with me as a single mom to three boys. Fear resurfaced throughout my next relationship which I got into too soon and stayed in for too long even while I knew it was toxic. Fear told me I wasn’t good enough for love, and for years, I believed it.
Years later after facing my own demons in the mirror, dismantling them, dissecting them, and eventually putting myself back together, you showed up. You showed up and you were everything, but you also looked fear, and that scared me.
I had not seen fear while I was single. I had not talked to fear since we parted ways during recovery from my own toxic behaviors. Fear had not reached out, texted, or sent a Christmas card in years, and all of a sudden, fear showed up looking like you. And you showed up as light, and love, and laughter, and frustration, and everything I want in a partner.
But today, all these months later, even after you have showed me you want me fully in your life, I slowly push you away. I push you away because I am afraid of being left. I am afraid of being hurt. Kill or be killed, and I am running. I want to run to you, but instead fear is tugging at my heart, reminding me of all the hurt I have endured before finding you, and I can’t seem to shake this fear.
I need you to know, to me, you are love. You are what I want and so much more. You are home to me, even when you drive me crazy. I want you when you are head first in your studies. I want you when you laugh. I want you when are hungry and when you are full. I want to see more of those gray hairs sprouting out of your head, and I want to care for in every way possible.
So, as we walk this path, please know I am learning how to fight fear, how to ignore it. I am teaching myself to move forward and to go with my heart, because my brain already gave me permission to love every ounce of you, just the way you are. If you can be patient with me, let me deal with fear, I promise you, it will all be worth it.