One year ago I decided to build myself a home within and I have been having constant conversations with my heart to know all the steps and what next.

Firstly I decided to not chase romantic interests any longer. Love is not found in chasing but in staying and building togather.

I decided to build my own happiness and joy around my passions and hearts desires. I decided to create a vibrant colorful life that fulfills me by doing and being in ways that come naturally to me.

I decided and realized that I did not want to date anyone until I build a rock solid foundation within me ,while I peel the layers of my psyche still attached to past pain and past relationships. Jumping from one relationship to the other is just not for me.

My mind and my heart need time to understand and process everything and change the ways. And I allow myself to have all the space and solitude time I need in order to pulse with inner wellbeing and life again.

I also decided that I don’t want to fix anyone nor any man I go out with any longer. I’m not a rehabilitation center and I don’t welcome people who are ill or suffering or and unable to work on their own healing. Period.

I’m amazed and furious at the same time when I remember how many times I welcomed in my life people who wanted to fill their holes through me. But I’m not a filler and I refuse to be used as one , specially now that I have grown and expanded more as a human and woman in progress.

Besides the above reasons I quit dating because I don’t agree with how we adults act on it or define it.

Dating implies that there is or will be a romantic element attached to it.
An expectation of some kind from one or both parties that decide to date each other.

And to me this usual scenario of dating does not appeal anymore.
I don’t digest that view/perspectiveof dating any longer.
I have outgrown it.

Because if I decide to go out with somebody, I don’t want to be touched or kissed the first or second time we hang out. I don’t want to be seen as an object of sex and the anticipation of it all.

I want to be free to have a conversation. To decide to meet again or not. I want to be free and not anxious about what next.

We may enjoy each other company or a conversation and might not want to continue to meet or see each other.

I want and crave that kind of freedom.

I crave connection.
Not dating.
I feel dating is for those who still feel desperate to be alone. And oh I have been desperate for my entire life until one year ago.

But not I am not desperate because I am single or have no man in my life.

That’s the bullshit we buy in our society.

That you should or have too or need to be married by the time your are 25 or 30, have kids when you are 30 or 40. Have a fat bank account by the time you reached middle age,have a spouse you are proud of and show off to others and the list goes on.

While there is nothing wrong to have all these things, there should not be strandarts. Those old structures and paradigms are collapsing. From the inside out.

I don’t want any of these things.

For me a priority is connection.
How to connect with myself and my being and her many layers first of all and how to create sustainable and authentically genuine connections with people I encounter in my life. Genuine connections does not mean it is a guarantee those connections will last a life time.

But they feel so real and true and satisfying for as long as the last.

And I’m at this point in my life when I crave just that.

We are so fast to jump into kissing and having sex when we hang out…without even giving ourselves and the other a chance to be exposed and seen.

And honestly, I don’t want to have in bed next to me a man, a human that is unable to see me first. That is unable to hold a conversation and is unable to be honest with himself and with me. I

I have outgrown that because I have changed.

I want a vulnerable connection that makes me and the other cry, laugh and roll on the floor like idiots.

I want a vulnerable connection that opens up the heart and stimulates my mind and their as well.

I want connections that break me open and hold me when I bleed my truths…as a sacred ritual of the heart.

I want to be fucked in my eyes with theirs as they penetrate me. I want them to be present to my skin odor ,to my trembling thighs and cracked lips.

I want to be held without questions when I’m completely gone in different planes of my being sometimes,when sadness calls me or when I’m unable to function at my best.

Dating is not for me anymore.
Let’s be vulnerable instead and honest.
Let’s just connect.

If there is any craving underneath all addictions and cravings human beings have that is to connect with another.

And we got that wrong by looking for it in all the wrong places and the wrong ways.

The first and most important connection is with who you are , with who I am.

If this connection is suffering or not while all other connections in the external world will reflect it. There is no other way.

Fuck dating.
I crave to connect.