January 25, 2020

Being Raped Taught Me This.

The Dictionary meaning of rape is, “to force someone to have sex when they are unwilling, using violence or threatening behaviour.”

I wish it sounded this cold and detached when it actually happened.

The heatwaves ran through my whole spine, wanting to explode, but just melted my whole existence and poured through my eyes as hot, salty water. 

It was just another evening, and I was dillydallying about the invitation I received for a get-together with old friends. After much procrastination, I decided to do a quick meet and greet and get it over with. I reached the venue and did what was planned.

My demure and reserved conduct caught someone’s unwanted attention. Though he was an old friend, we didn’t hold any conversation, or share any warm thoughts, for that matter. He offered me a ride back home, which I ended accepting despite some hesitancy. I couldn’t sense the sinisterness.

After an awkward few minutes drive, we stopped. It was all dark and solitary. My heart was sinking. Before I could realise what was happening, he pounced on me. My clothes were ripped, skirt was down. His hand was all over me. His other hand was covering my mouth, preventing my screaming. His big and bulky figure was crushing my soul.

Ten years after that calamity, I can say, these are the lessons it taught me:

It was not my fault.

It’s never your fault.

No matter how society portrays it—putting the blame on the shoulders of the victim, questioning the choice of clothes, the amount of alcohol consumed, raising eyebrows on being promiscuous—it is never your fault.

I am more than my status of getting penetrated.

You need to realise this at some point in time when you are drying up your tears that there is more of you that needs to be nestled. Embrace yourself.

Face your fear.

I had begun running away from any sexual encounter, even the healthy ones, where I liked my partner and shared a good rapport. The painful memories crept up each and every time. It took me some time to accept the healing power of a healthy sexual relationship.

Engage in it. Don’t run away.

Know you are special.

This is indisputable that great sufferers often emerge as great people. They are somehow able to find themselves back again so beautifully, and their beauty makes the world radiant.

Find your gift and share it with the world. You are capable of it.

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