Dear mind,

Thank you for taking on control when tragedy hit and knocked me over, that seemingly normal Friday in January. The day my dad suddenly died. I literally felt my heart ripping apart when I heard the words on the phone. The pain of it was so intense, I thought I would drown in it. I never felt anything like it before. Helplessly watching, my world shattered to pieces all around me within seconds. Nothing would ever be as it was. I was so scared.

During the following days I noticed you slowly wrapping me in a sweet cocoon of numbness and plastering my heart tightly, making sure none of the small splinters got lost. You put me in shock mode. I felt like a ghost walking around, just having an outer surface but nothing on the inside, and yet I functioned. I had focus to write the speech for the memorial service, had the strength to say my last good bye, and the clarity to reach out for help. I am so grateful for that.

Weeks passed. I don´t remember much.

On my dad´s birthday my grandpa suddenly passed as well. Another phone call, another voice, but the same words. I was a crying ball on the floor. So much sadness, dizziness, anger, fear- all raging within me. With all my direct older male family gone, who will provide me with safety and security? Who will protect me? Who is going to be the rock of the family when things get shaky – like now? I went off the floor, to the beach and screamed against the heavy wind, madly kicked the sand. I was so so angry. How could this happen all over again, not even four months later?

Another wave of unbearable panic, pain and insecurity ensued. My world was completely uprooted – Was I standing upside down? Also another funeral to organize, speech to write, goodbye to be said, people to take care of. To keep functioning, I needed more numbness and a thicker cast for the heart. I could not feel all these emotions now. The autopilot mode was full on. Unable to reach my heart through the cast, I completely had lost touch with myself though. Who was I now?

On the last day of June my heart did not bear being encaged any longer. It broke free with a bang, the cast fell away. It bled. I cried. I cried for my dad and my grandpa, the family I knew. I cried for my shattered hopes and dreams, an imagined future that will never be, and the loss of the sweet old, innocent me. I felt like falling into a deep dark blue ocean of sorrow, longing for the numbness to be back. But you knew better than to re-wrap the heart. For true healing only occurs by feeling the emotions beneath the pain. So I let them come up, did feel them, cried them out. Eventually scars formed. The heart grew back together. The tears stopped falling every day.

A year has passed now. I made it through all the “firsts”. I no longer need the autopilot mode. I have built up enough trust and strength to consciously deal with the remaining grief. To let it be. To lean into it. I am beginning to live in inner balance again, from a place of love and joy, guided by the wisdom of my heart.

Thank you for saving it.

Nadine