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January 31, 2020

I’m Pretty Cool, But I Cry A Lot

No one has ever really apologized for treating me what feels like crap and bringing this tartlet out of me, so maybe I should refuse to apologize for being a bitch at times. Perhaps they don’t even realize they’re treating someone like junk. However, getting a person so stirred up for something, reminding them constantly that something so exciting was going to happen; then when it does and that person is a little ignored during what was supposed to be the most extraordinary event of the year, all that had been building up inside of them for a few months can make that one organ that helps to keep them alive not want to beat anymore.

I am usually a strong person, but you know what makes me want to cry most nights? This can be when I run over to whoever made me feel what a best friend’s house is after a really long work day as soon as they called, because they needed toilet paper or whatever. Then, when they just start rambling on about a huge argument they had gotten into with one of out our other people that past weekend, when they were out at a bar, while I had been sitting at home alone Friday and Saturday. This makes me wonder a little what I’ve really been living for. I had been on my couch, alone all weekend, after messaging or calling my whole phone with no responses.  Some things are making me feel that the less people I chill with, maybe the less bullshit I really do have to deal with. I don’t think I need to be told that I’ve changed when I’m really trying to stop dealing with former people. Our parents really do notice who are real friends verse our fake friends are before we do.

I don’t know if I have reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom when I don’t care what anyone else thinks about me anymore. Maybe it’s about time for life to give me some more lemons with this freedom. I don’t really even like lemons. I prefer bananas, if any fruit. This portion in life has given me some anger issues, some anxiety and a serious dislike for that old road I feel like I need a border for. But, I haven’t received any lemons.

There are times when I feel that at least 60% of the stories I tell go unfinished because someone either cuts me off or I realize that no-one was even listening. Some people just need to admit that life would be boring without me.

As I get further down this road, I didn’t really lose any friends. I’m starting to understand who the true ones are. A good friend knows all of your best stories. When a person truly cares about you, they actually make an effort to be with you, not an excuse why they can’t. Just as long as they hang around you and laugh with you, doesn’t mean they are truly a friend. People can be very good at pretending. I know I can. Theater was my favorite after school activity. I still like being the center of attention.  At the end of the day, real situations can expose fake people.

I don’t really hate anyone; I’ve just lost all respect for some. Maybe this is a sign that I need to start cutting out the people who claim they care about me and then turn around the treat me what feels like crap. I can’t always trust everything that I see. Even salt looks like sugar.

This road in life, I’m getting tired of fake people, fake smiles, fake hugs, and fake hopes. I feel sad, hurt, angry, mad and disappointed. But you know what? I will put on a smile and move on. It will hurt, but I will survive.

Friendship is not always about who I’ve known the longest. Maybe, it’s about who walked into my life and said, “Hey; I’m here for you,” and then proved it. I know I’m not a perfect friend. I make mistakes. I love people who still stay with me after knowing the real me.

This new road I am venturing on, I have new people ahead who I know will more than likely be there for me.  I think I’m ready.

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