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January 19, 2020



How our own “Safety” is a foreign concept when it comes to love

By Guillermo Quijano

We all do it – without exception. Unless we lack emotion or humanity.  Something inside us prohibits us to do what we really should do which is “run the other direction!” – but we can’t.

We act against all logical thinking.  We refuse sane and healthy advice from those that truly care about us. We go out of our way to create texts, arrange meetings, start conversations  in a futile attempt to express our most accurate “feelings” and the only thing these actions will do, is punish us harshly.

All because we “love” someone and “want” someone that doesn’t want us or loves us back.

“I love you so much” is what I heard from someone that had hurt me so deeply and left me for someone else. “I do care about what happens to you”.  You do? Because when I was so wounded, so destroyed, so hurt, it just didn’t feel like “love” at all! Not even a little bit.

I thought loving someone implied and guaranteed our protection of that person, our effort above and beyond to keep them safe and sheltered from harm, our endless quest to let them feel we are right there by their side and that they can feel safe and tranquil as long as we are there – and that it was also an implied contract, an assurance that we would always be there.

But that is the trouble with emotions – we always say them in moments when we truly believe they will hold up “forever” – but when the emotion ends and we turn the switch back on, reality takes over – common sense walks in the room and ruins it all!

We all have been wounded. We all have had our life come to a complete stop due to the actions of  someone that “loved us”. We felt the impact and trauma from being hit with the bluntness of lies and betrayal and infidelity.  The scorn of cruelty and insensitivity. The damage of emotional abuse that sometimes continues for years.

We felt the devastation of loneliness and the torture of happy memories and the horror of our imagination.  The regret of “what it could have been…” dancing in our minds.

But we knew it was coming, we felt it in our bones – our heart warned us and made us feel the empty gut, the shortness of breath the rapid heart beat – and we ignored it and felt literally  paralyzed to do anything about it – mentally and physically. We didn’t do anything to protect ourselves – not at all. We should have run for “safety”

But why? It just doesn’t seem to make any sense! As humans we are programmed to avoid self harm at any cost! I guess that rule goes out the window when it comes to love huh?

Think of an animal in danger – it will always do anything it can to escape – as soon as he sees an opening it will run the other way to “safety” – that is a word we all need to understand better and begin to embrace the meaning of. A wounded animal knows that getting away from danger is the only thing to do to make it and it doesn’t stick around to see what will happen next.  If that  animal is cornered by danger and can’t get away, it will fight and spit and snarl to appear as if it still has some fight left in hopes he will have a second and see an opening so it can escape and run away as fast as possible – to “safety”.

Once away, that animal is alone and calm and away from the harm that another would have inflicted and now it can rest and heal and get its bearings back – it can make logical decisions again.  And stand strong.

What do we do?  Us – intelligent humans full of super powers and decision-making abilities and the gift of “choice”?  We stick around and like an addiction, like a sick obsession we continue to poke our hand in danger’s mouth and we get bitten every time.

We do “drive by-s” –  imagine a rabbit that just a couple of days back got away from a pack of coyotes, deciding to take a stroll by the coyote’s den. How is that gonna work out? But that is exactly what we do. A drive by, is a 100% certain way to inflict massive pain into the center of our heart.  We go there knowing what we will find, with no plan or purpose and we take no action other than driving past and feeling our bodies implode, our heart sink, our ego crumble like dry sand. The pain we “chose” to bring upon us is unbearable – but we do it over and over and over with the same result.  Maybe we trade jealousy into anger, something we can more easily control – but I think we do it with the hope that one of those times he or she won’t be there so we can hope (another doozy in the list of human “traits”) that maybe it is over and something good will come next.  Well, good luck with that!

We check our phones countless times to see if a call has come through – but it hasn’t.  And if that call ever came, instead of ignoring it – we take it! and we know the end result before we even say hello – a huge argument and the rehashing of all the greatest hits that got us here.  Usually with one person in charge and the other totally submissive and shifting between anger and tears and apologies and accusations and questions and demanding an explanation that doesn’t need to happen because the call itself is explaining everything.  Wasted time that we could have used to heal had we chosen safety.

We send passive aggressive texts – possibly the worst thing that we can ever do to hurt ourselves. Passive aggressive texts that cause irreversible damage, eloquent texts that mean shit to anyone but you, angry texts that erode even further, even kind texts in a futile attempt to help and show our soft side – so useless. And we wait – bleeding and hurting. The dots dancing, mocking our desperation to see what the reply may be – we just sit there, in the danger zone. The dots disappear and then re appear and we suffer – but we know exactly what the reply will be – something that the other person custom designed to push a button and cause an emotion.  It is never something like: “You are right, we should talk in person” or “I am sorry you feel that way, I will try not to be insensitive in the future”  or “You sound upset – let’s wait this out and talk later, get some sleep”.  No – it is always hostile or impersonal and always open-ended. “I can’t talk about this now” – and we had the choice of “the safety of silence” and the calm of blocking someone but didn’t even consider except to play a game. And after all of that, we are not done yet! Next, we lay in our bed and re-read our texts, analyze what we said, doubt ourselves, wish we would have said something else (as if that would have helped) and in the end send one final text that says” “I am sorry” – and we never get a reply.  We just CHOSE to stick around and get more wounded.

We are wounded, bleeding, limping, confused – the exit is right there!  Run that direction and don’t fucking stop until you feel safe and calm and you can work on fixing your injuries!  This is your chance!  In a few days you will be healthy and right!  No – we stay there and continue to welcome the attack that will make us bleed more and more.

Our friends and allies look us in the eye and say: “Quit having contact!” “Stop driving by there!” “Completely ignore them!” “Work on you – forget him/her” “It is not going to work. Look what they have done to you!” – we nod with shame, dismissively say: “I know, I know” although everything they say makes total sense at that moment – but we do nothing.

I want to call this a psychological addiction to whatever is happening in our brains when we reject safety and chose so much danger and detriment. An emotional hunger. Pain becomes  our only option to subconsciously have contact with someone we care about, even if is painful – at least they are still around in some capacity.  Maybe it is the control we have allowed them to have that keeps us in that jail – a jail where the door is unlocked yet we don’t have the courage to pull the door open and walk out.

We even make up stories in our heads that our life will end and we will never be happy.  We imagine ourselves alone in a dark room singing “Hello walls” and eating a three day old TV Dinner. A total lie!

I have done it and I wanted to write this to tell you that most likely, it can’t be helped – that it is written in your software and here is why.  When we love someone and they have left us, we both continue contact – one out of guilt, the other out of hope or one out of control and the other out of fear as when we have been under the grip of a narcissist and even after we break up he / she won’t release us.

With someone we love, we feel that if we call their bluff and stand for ourselves by seeking safety and discontinue contact, that it is too high of a risk and this will definitely piss them off and drive them off for good – what we don’t know is that it wouldn’t.  It would actually help us gain control and balance things out. Unfortunately, such logical thinking is an impossibility.  We CHOOSE pain over the fear of total loss.

There was a movie about a match maker that hooks up this two people that have great synergy, but of course things go bad, so he tells his client: “Just forget about her! She will just bring you more pain and sadness” and the man says: “No – I waited my whole life to be ‘this miserable’ – and if this is the only way I can stay connected with her, then this is the way it has to be!”

WHAT I KNOW NOW is, that I would have likely turned things around and everything would have worked so much better if I chose safety and self-pride, than choosing the some of the things I described above.  If I would have left immediately – and by immediately I mean, the second I was informed that my wife was leaving, or that there was infidelity, that action would have done two things – both beneficial to ME. One, it would have given me all of the power, I would have emptied her gun of ammunition and made her unable to continue to shoot me.  It also would have given me the ability to begin healing those already deep wounds sooner and for sure not acquire new ones – it would have built my self pride and my self respect and I would have felt tall and strong – instead of defeated and small.  And by displaying this type of fortitude it may have even made her think about me in a different light.

But I am not talking about a “game playing” walk away – what I am proposing is an unforgiving walk-away with conviction and brass balls and a big fat “fuck you” in your tone. “You don’t love me? Not a problem – I thought you did. Evidently I was wrong so see you later”.  That is it!  No speeches, no anger, no threats, no texts or meetings – just your back to them and off you go.

That was the approach that would have saved me FIVE YEARS of my life, that would have brought me new things sooner, that would have taught me so much more about myself.

That is what I, advice you to do – unfortunately, I can’t advice you HOW to do it as it requires monumental and steady fortitude and self respect, which are usually at an all time low once you are so mortally wounded.


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