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January 13, 2020

Two Weeks Started a New Path for Me

The longest two weeks of my life were once controlled by when I felt that something was about to explode inside my head. It began as a night that I had the worst headache ever, thinking it was really just a hangover. It would be gone in a day, or so I thought. Yet, after one day, it was still there; then the next day, and the next. This massive, continuous vibration that seemed to take over my mentality had been in my head for what felt like forever. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I was also beginning to have a difficult time seeing out of my right eye. A black dot, off to the side, was making a distraction for me. I thought I was going blind! I felt like I had something jammed inside my skull, counting down the days until it was about to blow up.

The doctor I had back in the early 2000’s was useless. He wrote down all that I was describing to him as the typical symptoms for a cold, which was what he usually tended to do. I could walk in with bandages wrapped around my hand, blood pouring out of every pour of my body, and he would write me a prescription for Tylenol. I must have told him all that I was feeling, but he still continued being a dumbass. So, unless all I really had was a hangover, I almost felt like I needed to get a new brain. He sent me home with a prescription for something-useless.

I still tried to have a normal day. I did have to work at the pet store I was employed at. What a dreadful day it was. I could normally carry out a forty-pound bag of dog food to a customer’s car, yet on this day I could barely lift two ounces of cat food into a plastic bag without wanting to pass out. I was now beginning to see a small, white light out of my eyes, like I was being called to the end of my road. No matter how many times I rubbed at it, or blinked rapidly, whatever was crammed into my senses would not leave. I know that when I went home that night, I just passed out within minutes. I was dreading having to work again the next day. As much as I enjoy giving my love at all of those animals in the store, I did not want my day to drag on with whatever was causing so much pain.

I don’t even remember what had happened throughout the night. I just know that I awoke in what turned out to be two weeks later, with my arms strapped to a bed and I had no idea where I was. Panic began to overtake my body, as I stared around the room, trying to understand what was going on. I was about to shout out for help, but before I could, my mom ran over to calm me down. I wanted to hug her, but couldn’t, since my arms were tied in. She began to explain what would suddenly pave a new road for me in life, one that I didn’t remember opting for. She told me how she had come up to my room to see what was taking me so long to come downstairs. I am never late for work, but I hadn’t been responding to anyone. When she had come upstairs, she saw that I was still in bed just lying there, having ignored my messages and their calls. She walked over to wake me and once she was able to gain my attention, I had no idea who she was.

Seizures can do this to people. They empty all thoughts from your brain. Seizures cause loss of consciousness. I do not remember, but there is the rapid twitching of the body limbs.  They can interfere with the rhythm of the heart and breathing. There can be shortness of breath and choking. During a seizure, the muscles jerk uncontrollably. Yet I remember none of this. All of my functions, words, I had no idea what had happened that night or any of those days after. My parents even explained that I was only strapped to the bed because I had tried so many times to remove all of the medical machines that I was plugged into. There had even been a day that I had attempted to bash a nurse in the face, thankfully the one my mom wasn’t too fond of.

My earliest memories of the following days were waking up and seeing my parent’s faces when I was speaking to them. I don’t know if I had had any conversations with anyone in the preceding weeks, but I do remember, after I began understanding what was happening around me, I didn’t need to be strapped into my bed anymore. When the doctors began telling me why my headaches had started and why I had had my seizures, I started to wonder if my brain would ever be the same again.

It has not, since the side effects to a medication had started me down this path in life.  I now know that there is always a possibility for me to have a seizure at any time, though I have them more under control. Sixteen years later, I am still learning new things everyday about my Epilepsy; the good, the bad, the in between.  I have so many people in my life able to help me and except how everything has had to change. This wasn’t something I had opted for, but I have  learned to accept this disability. I am still me and that will always be a good thing.

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