What we mean when we tell single women to “have no expectations” is “quit getting angry if he fails to meet your invisible standards”.

We don’t actually mean “have no expectations”.

It’s unreasonable to have “no expectations”.

The very fabric of what makes up a culture in the first place are threads of expectations. There is a reason mothers insist their 2 year old to says “please” and “thank you”, pressing the importance of these words even as the child has no construct of social understanding.

“Please” and “thank you” are the basic expectations of society.

We have expectations, let’s not pretend we don’t.

We expect basic humane treatment from a cashier when we check out our groceries. Perhaps some small talk or eye contact, but at base minimum we expect not to be abused or demeaned or be sworn at. From this, a stranger who we might never see again, we expect a pleasant, if not neutral transactional exchange. 

Social expectation is built into society. We can’t pretend it doesn’t when we step out of our house for a date. 

We expect when going through a door that the person in front of us will do some sort of reasonable handoff so it doesn’t slam in our face.

We expect other people to chew with their mouths closed.

To put litter in a trash bin.

These norms provide basic order in society. They are expectations and they are not wrong to have. The rules are clear: do not harm to others and the matters of harm are codified. These rules do not need to be spoken.

When it comes to social role expectations, where we assign expectation to specific social standings or by gender, these crisp and clear lines of of expectation start to smudge.

Ambiguity creeps in.

Once upon a time, the social role of men was to financially provide. Men paid for a date, no further discussion.

Mind you, once upon a time, women also were fired from employ once they were married.

75% of adult women in America now hold full time jobs.

Women’s social roles have changed, we have jobs and access to birth control that make the old roles moot point.

Can we now still expect men to pay for the courtship?

Is it still the role of a woman to flirt with a man?

Personal preferences override what was once a societal role expectation.

It used to be that a man would pick a woman up on a date. Present moment, that could be interpreted as dangerous or creepy, although some of my gender still prefer it and find it charming.

Does a man follow up after a date or does he wait for a woman to initiate and express her comfort with further communication?

It depends on who you ask.

Are dates dinner or coffee? It’s in the eye of the beholder.

When we say “have no expectations”, it means the roles we play in society haven’t been formalized and codified. There’s ambiguity as a culture on what’s supposed to happen and who’s supposed to do what.

The solution to this is to spell out your own expectations. You have them, we all do.

Let a man know if you want to be picked up. Tell him that you like being courted and for you, that includes dinner and flowers. Or coffee and cake, if that’s your thing.

Explicitly spell out the expectations that you personally have: society is no longer providing a social manual for you.

It means: ”quit getting angry if he fails to meet your invisible standards”.

It means: “you need to tell someone exactly what you expect, for society doesn’t know and this man won’t either”. 

Ditch the idea that you should have “no expectations”. Have plenty of them. Tell your dates about them. Make sure you have expectations of yourself just as much as of him, for dating is about reciprocity and not simply receiving.

What we are really telling single women when we say have “no expectations” is to speak up.