We hear it all the time… The messaging from the outside world implores us that we gratefully look on the bright side. Yet, it also aggressively bellows that we are not even remotely good enough and to always strive for more. Do we repeat cheesy ass positive affirmations? Therapy? Hire a Happiness Coach? MDMA? Ketamine? Naked Ice Baths, Silent Meditation? Daily craft swamp-tails AKA green juice? Coffee with chunks of solidified coconut oil? Tantric Vagina Candle Ceremonies?
One Keto meal a day while having a high-intensity cardio session in a fasted state? Sound baths, Float tanks, gurus, no gurus because they are now all in jail…. the self-improvement circuit is conveniently infinite and guarantees a limitless supply of inadequacy.
How bout…. I am so F’ing depressed I don’t want to get out of bed, how bout I am anxious, angry, unable to forgive, unable to muster up a gratitude list, stuck AF, addicted to shit, grief-stricken, heartbroken, I want to leave my partner, I am scared, I don’t want to be alone, I can’t let go of my childhoof wounds, I just wish everyone would leave me alone, I am codependent, I judge others, I am too scared to change careers, I don’t actually want to give up carbs, I hate exercise, I don’t really want to do a cleanse, I love cheese, I am avoidant, I fear being abandoned, I am overreactive, I hold grudges, I don’t want to get out of my comfort zone, I don’t really care about discipline, It feels good to yell, and I should not have, I love compartmentalizing my emotions, I am needy, why am I such a victim, why am I so dumb, fat, and ugly, I should stop watching Bravo shows and read the Tao Te Ching, I should rewire my neuropathways, I should learn a new skill and finally master something, why did I fuck up so badly in my life and not be MORE by now, and the list goes on.
My guess is that if you are utterly real with yourself, you have remnants of the above narrative melodiously chiming away in your brain space for a duration of your daily existence. My other guess is that you spend just as much time judging yourself for it and wishing you were better… We cannot heal what we are continually berating ourselves about. We cannot improve what we hate about ourselves when we do not feel tolerance for what we hate about ourselves. It is bizarre and ironic that we first have to surrender to the truth of our dark mental prison before we can legit love ourselves. I do not mean fake a smile and adore the shit of it. I say embrace yourself proudly for having the uniquely tailored and intricate shades of your shadows that you inescapably carry around 24/7.