Three days ago she left me. She didn’t even tell me why. She was my best friend. Lots of couples say that, but she really was the very best friend I have ever had. This is to her. She will more than likely ever see this, but I need to get this out  I have often struggled with going through the grieving process, so I decided I would go through the process with you, my fellow travelers, by writing an ongoing series as I navigate this from the beginning (now) through the end (who knows)  I know it will be cathartic, and think it will be interesting to witness  Hopefully

It has been 3 days since you told me, 3 days since you walked away. I know you did what you had to do, and I respect that. I am lost right now. I cry often. Doctors have found that tears contain harmful toxins; so it is good that I am crying. (It is remarkable how our bodies are designed to release the things that need to be released, involuntarily…. if we just let it happen. But that is a different subject for another time).  So, the tears are good, I am healing.  But the tears don’t take away the pain, not instantly anyway. Good ole instant gratification, why can’t you entice me away from the pain anymore?

Anyway, back to my story. I wish you had felt safe enough to tell me why you left, but I know you did not, or you would have told me. So I am left wondering, often trying to figure out what happened. I know you weren’t happy. I know you were struggling. I know I wasn’t perfect and you weren’t perfect. I loved you because you are an amazing, beautiful, fierce, strong Goddess. You are not like the others. You blaze your own path. That is why I loved you. It didn’t scare me. It attracted me to you. Your intensity, your refusal to enter the matrix. Your fierce independence.

I know you kept me at arms length. I know you never let in. I know you only opened your front door, but didn’t let me into the house. So I stood there, waiting in the foyer. And I would’ve continued to wait. Because I didn’t want to be anywhere but right there in the fucking foyer. Seeing glimpses of you and hearing you your steps as you made your way through the house. You made me a nice cot and would occasionally bring me tea. We would sit and talk, and then you would have to go. I loved that foyer. I miss that foyer. No matter where I went each day, as I left that cot in the foyer, I  was always comforted knowing that I had a place on my cot, a place with you. I knew I was taking a chance that I may never be allowed all the way in. I knew that at some point I may be evicted, because perhaps I made a mess, or left the volume up to high on my favorite song. I was ok with that. It was all worth it. Because I was close to you. Being close to someone like you is scary, and didn’t feel safe at times. But it was always amazing and breathtaking. No, you are an untamed wild animal, primal and intoxicating. You see, I did see the real you, the you that was dying to show itself. I didn’t want to tame you, I was always waiting, watching that animal pace away in the cage with the open door. Waiting for you to walk out of the cage. Ilas I wrote this, I think maybe you felt you couldn’t leave the cage with me watching. I WANTED to see you roam free. And I know this is part of your journey, your journey towards leaving that cage. And even more as I write this, I know, too, that leaving the cot in the foyer is part of my journey.

I miss you. I am angry, I am sad, I am heartbroken and confused. But mostly sad. This will change. and life will go on. You will become a fond memory. I think that is what saddens me the most. I keep telling myself, “it’s not supposed to be like this!!  This is wrong!  Not us!! “. But it is like this. I don’t know why I am writing all of this. I don’t know the point. I really don’t even know exactly what it is I want to say. You were my best friend and I can’t even talk to you about this. The world has gone crazy, this virus has us on lockdown, and so many people are suffering. I almost don’t feel as if I have the right to hurt or mourn this loss. But I do have the right,

I miss you my best friend. You were the best friend I ever had. Ever. I can’t even see through the tears as I write this, so I think that means I am finished writing

NOTE TO THE READER: please feel free to leave a comment. This was written hastily and I realize it is extremely self absorbed and so many bigger things are happening in the world today. This pales in comparison to the pain the world is feeling. But I need an outlet as I sit in my home and try to process this. I wish you all well and remember, this too shall pass.