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July 28, 2020

My restlessness and irritability gave me huge trouble. And for most of it, obviously it was self made.

*This article was inspired by this post.

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I love to go to parties but I just sit in a comfortable corner with my phone, drink beer, listen to music or the beat and smile when someone smiles at me and talk when someone talks to me.

Growing up I always was afraid to share my feelings for fear of being misunderstood. I constantly retreated into myself and stayed silent never feeling confident enough to share my excitement for life.

Writing helped me by giving me something to sink my full effort into and because that was the first thing about myself, that I was able to share in full confidence because I knew how much work and dedication it took to create it.

One of the many reasons I drove my own car, when I went to work years ago, is because I hate car pooling with people. I want to leave when I want to leave. I want to talk only, when I feel the need to talk.

I actually enjoy sitting alone at home watching a movie than being outside with people ready to judge me.

That crippling feeling of aloofness when you are in the quiet of your home, in a crowded mall, watching the city lights glow from your window, when you’re walking aimlessly in the park with your toddler, that feeling as if something is missing in your life and it will never come back although it was never there in the first place; that inexplicable emptiness which manipulates all.

For me today, as I write this piece, life is ordinary and nothing that happened today, is going to overpower what happened yesterday or look a shade better than tomorrow.

Anticipation thrums through my body, my skin prickling and my pulse racing.

I am the invisible unpaid homemaker and I am stressed too.

I believe I am mostly a loner. Though I am married and have young children. I love staying home, being in my own place and space.

I don’t do the hustle and bustle of everyday life , not for me thanks.

For me, love peace ,quiet and a good read, hanging around, doing what I enjoy- it is called a happy life.

Yes, I feel like I am on the outside looking in, whenever I am in a group of people or out in public – no one to talk to or confide in who would understand. I just feel less stressed and at peace to be home.

The lockdown has been depressing for a lot of people. But if you’re used to being home, minding your own business- bliss. No more unexpected visitors. No need to turn down invites. Much less activity. I miss traveling locally though. Being out in the bush, in a tent by the river.

I try to stay composed, sitting as still as you can on the end of the bed.
So you focus on your other senses, trying to see through them while you wait. You fidget with your hands in your lap, twisting the ring around your finger.  You run your fingertip around and around, tracing the vow, now etched into your heart as well.

I will not be anymore, drawn into people’s fakeness ,bullshit and inconsistent behaviour. I am done.
You can ONLY try for so long then at some point you have to realise nothing will change on certain things in your life, that includes people ,circumstances and how people behave towards you.

Now these people are either in my life genuinely because they wish to be and make a sincere effort or they don’t bother me anymore. I have been through so much in my lifetime that no one will ever really know ,nor understand .

This has shaped the person I am today ,for better or for worse I am me and all I do is with love , respect and a good heart.  Peace ,no drama ,no crap ,no lies!

The greatest and most important adventure of our lives is discovering who we really are.

Yet, so many of us walk around either not really knowing or listening to an awful inner critic that gives us all the wrong ideas about ourselves.

In order to be a beneficial person to the world around me, the best buddy, life partner, parent etc, I have to first put my personal house, my temple, my mind in a healthy order. This personal journey is one that I will benefit from taking.

It’s literally insane that we all think we’re so alone in the things that we’ve been through and are going through but if you open up to people they will most likely relate to what you are going through, literally talk to people about your feeling guys. Trust me, you are not alone in anything.

During these unusually different times, staying afloat and in harmony with oneself. Taking good care of my health and hygiene.
Starting a new series on netflix each time the previous one ends. Playing that game with my children and fascinating them with my company. Cooking, reading, learning the lyrics to my favorite tunes, slow dancing in dim lights. Writing out my thoughts and feelings.
Knowing that my mental health may decline and let the process take its organic course. Finding new things that help ease my mind and please my heart.
Staying safe, pursuing positivity, and persevering always.

I have begun to simplify my life in any way I can.

Decluttering, stepping back from toxic people, saying no to things, resting, establishing priorities and acting and building confidence in myself and my ability to handle whatever comes my way.

I am in the same boat, and slowly slowly getting there, but it can be crippling and overwhelming, especially when life circumstances aren’t ideal, and it’s not “all in your head”. I understand now that, reaching out and trying to get control of it, is my first step and sometimes the most important. I must keep going.

I don’t like how endings in real life come on so suddenly without making sense, without much warning. One minute you are in the middle of something and the next it is all a very long time ago and you’re a different person and none of it is ever coming back.

I consider this time hence, my most valuable. I would like to make the best of it.

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