You never hit me—you weren’t aggressive in that way.

But sometimes, I wonder if it would have been better. I wonder if a broken bone or a bruised face would heal faster than the shards of my heart that got slowly chipped away like an old piece of china and finally shattered into hundreds of pieces.

Whilst the knots in my stomach untangle for periods of time—before something triggers them to coil, harden, and make it hard to breathe—it is hard to imagine that the scars in my mind will ever fade.

My heart bleeds for the one that came before me because now I know how broken she might have been. I now know that you might have worn her down until you completely controlled her. And after years, you discarded her like a pair of old shoes you had no use for anymore, while she was still adversely impacted by you.

I hope that the one who comes after me can see through your facade, your empty promises, your emotional manipulation, and your future faking. I hope the first time you try to manipulate her by threatening to leave she lets you go and shuts the door securely behind you. I hope these will be the first cuts she suffers from and they will only need a Band-Aid to repair. I hope you won’t get the chance to gaslight her and make her doubt herself.

I no longer hope anything for you, as any hope I had for you, us, and our future was destroyed when I realised that you could stand right before me and lie without any qualms. Lies rolled off your tongue like marbles across a wooden floor. They were lies which were almost imperceptible, except for delayed responses in your answers and a twitch in your eyes. If I wasn’t so desperately hoping I was wrong and wasn’t waiting so carefully for your response (to which I already knew the correct answer), I probably would have missed it.

My hope now goes to the women I know have been at the bitter end of your own shame and self-loathing (myself included), which has caused you to tear us down for your own supply and need for superiority. I hope they find the needed support to rebuild their self-worth and realise that they are worthy of so much more than you were ever prepared to give.

Energy from loving, giving women is wasted on you. You only suck it out to temper your ego without having the ability to return true caring, empathy, and affection. We need to use our energy to protect ourselves, especially if we were too trusting, too open, and shared our vulnerabilities. You took this energy away from us and stored it, waiting for the perfect time to use it against us to trap us further under your sick trauma bonds.

I forgive you, not for your sake, but for mine. For this gives me the ability to forgive myself for loving someone so completely at the expense of myself, even when it became clear that the goal was to break me for your own self-serving purpose and dominance.

Control is not love.

Abuse is not love.

You broke my spirit, but you underestimated my resilience.

Know that you have been my biggest teacher and pushed me to do my healing, but I will come back stronger—and for that I will be grateful.

~