And do you know what’s worse?
Some part of me thought it might work to operate that way.
It’s what lots of other women do—how we’ve been trained. We make a lot of people a lot of money by hating ourselves so much. I’m only now realizing how toxic and abusive my relationship with myself has been.
Here are the ways I’ve abused my body:
>> Forced her to use substances to numb her cries of pain.
>> Verbally insulted her.
>> Emotionally abused her.
>> Forced her to wear clothes that didn’t fit her and refused to buy ones that were the correct size.
>> Forced her into painful procedures in the name of some socially constructed (and impossible) ideal of “beauty.”
>> Berated her for not being good enough.
>> Shamed her for being different.
>> Withheld food and proper nutrition.
>> Overfed her food and non-nutritious, food-like products.
>> Exercised her excessively.
>> Refused to move her—withheld movement of any kind.
>> Neglected her hygiene.
>> Told her she wasn’t lovable.
>> Insulted her any time her reflection appeared in a mirror.
>> Insulted her in front of other people and pointed out her imperfections.
>> Allowed others to insult and verbally abuse her.
>> Told her daily she should be ashamed of herself.
These are just a few of the ways I could think of while brainstorming for a few minutes.
So today, I want to say that I am so f*cking sorry. She has every right to hate me; she has every right to protest and not give me the results I demand.
Why on earth would she be motivated in any way to do what I say or try to please me?
The toxic dynamic of our relationship has now become crystal clear. It’s time to turn things around and make amends because we can’t get a divorce; we are stuck together—for better or for worse.
And honestly, I want to live an amazing life where anything is possible. And in that life, my body will also be.
My body is me; if I abuse her, I abuse me. If I hate her, I also hate me.
If I deem her unworthy and shame her, I deem myself unworthy and shameful.
That is not in alignment with who I am. The buck stops here—right now.
It’s time to treat her right, to show her some respect, and to love her unconditionally.