And do you know what’s worse?

Some part of me thought it might work to operate that way. 

It’s what lots of other women do—how we’ve been trained. We make a lot of people a lot of money by hating ourselves so much. I’m only now realizing how toxic and abusive my relationship with myself has been.

Here are the ways I’ve abused my body:

>> Forced her to use substances to numb her cries of pain.

>> Verbally insulted her.

>> Emotionally abused her.

>> Forced her to wear clothes that didn’t fit her and refused to buy ones that were the correct size.

>> Forced her into painful procedures in the name of some socially constructed (and impossible) ideal of “beauty.”

>> Berated her for not being good enough.

>> Shamed her for being different.

>> Withheld food and proper nutrition.

>> Overfed her food and non-nutritious, food-like products.

>> Exercised her excessively.

>> Refused to move her—withheld movement of any kind.

>> Neglected her hygiene.

>> Told her she wasn’t lovable.

>> Insulted her any time her reflection appeared in a mirror.

>> Insulted her in front of other people and pointed out her imperfections.

>> Allowed others to insult and verbally abuse her.

>> Told her daily she should be ashamed of herself.

These are just a few of the ways I could think of while brainstorming for a few minutes.

So today, I want to say that I am so f*cking sorry. She has every right to hate me; she has every right to protest and not give me the results I demand. 

Why on earth would she be motivated in any way to do what I say or try to please me?

The toxic dynamic of our relationship has now become crystal clear. It’s time to turn things around and make amends because we can’t get a divorce; we are stuck together—for better or for worse.

And honestly, I want to live an amazing life where anything is possible. And in that life, my body will also be. 

My body is me; if I abuse her, I abuse me. If I hate her, I also hate me. 

If I deem her unworthy and shame her, I deem myself unworthy and shameful. 

That is not in alignment with who I am. The buck stops here—right now.

It’s time to treat her right, to show her some respect, and to love her unconditionally.