Aren’t we all just addicted to pleasure?
To dopamine? To just one more high? Reaching for it in another, like a promotion at work, one more sip of alcohol, or wondering what that text says?
Wake up at 6:30 a.m., alone. Sunday. No plans; shaky. My mind is frozen. Desire, gone. Desire for being alone—gone. Desire for my normal pick-me-ups—gone.
Because one taste of pleasure causes withdrawal as sudden and as swiftly as the pleasure arrives. Or maybe it’s regret or maybe it’s shame or maybe…maybe, it’s my soul saying, “Hi.”
“Hi. Hello. Remember me? I’m here. Everything you’ve done is okay; everything you will do is okay. Please, all I ask, is to listen to me. Observe me. Make note of me. Be me. Find me. Take every step to eventually align your actions in the moment—with me. And if you don’t, that’s okay too.”
Just know, when your face is long, the tears feel stuck, the sadness is engulfing, the loneliness is the only thing you can breathe, the heartbeat is missing, the day is bland—know in this moment, perhaps your actions didn’t align with your soul. With who you are. With what you want.
Perhaps you didn’t make a choice to protect you. A choice to honor you. Perhaps you’re still living a life that is guided by all the other energy you’ve been drinking from. His energy, her energy, your parents’ energy, the first boy who took what wasn’t his energy.
Perhaps you’re making choices to hurt you, almost on purpose. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter. What you’re feeling right now is your soul knocking at your heart.
She’s saying, “Beautiful, wake up, I see you.”
She’s saying hi. She’s saying sorry. She’s saying, “I love you.”
She’s saying, “welcome home.”
She’s saying it’s okay. She’s saying you made a choice—not a life sentence. She’s saying you’re forgiven. She’s saying you don’t need to be forgiven. She’s saying you never did anything wrong in the first place. She’s saying “I love you.”
If you let her, she’ll hold you. Let her.
Just know, when something doesn’t feel right, it’s not a cause to beat yourself down with sticks that are too heavy to sleep under. To lay under.
It’s not a cause to feel the guilt and shame and pain, and run around in your brain for the other webs you could have followed at each choice you made. It’s none of that.
That feeling, that hole, that anger, that sad, that pain—it’s just a moment to honor, and acknowledge, and love on, and breathe into, and hold, and fall deeply in love with.
It’s a moment to hold as dear to your heart as any other hit of pleasure you’ve ever tasted.
Hold it. Honor it. Love it.
But don’t you dare judge it. Don’t you dare try to change it. Don’t you dare hate any part of yourself for it.
For that piece is oh so important for each decision that follows.
And baby, it deserves love. It deserves love.