When I started dating after my divorce a few years ago, it was a nightmare.
I was overwhelmed and convinced that nobody would want to date a single mom.
The phrase “damaged goods” kept popping in my mind. We had been together for so long that the last time I was single was as a teenager.
On top of my low self-worthiness, dating apps didn’t even exist back then, and I had no idea how to navigate that strange world.
After two years of dating in Los Angeles, I nearly gave up. Then, on the weekend that I told myself I was finished with it all, I met the love of my life.
That night is forever etched in my mind—by the end of the evening, we had fallen for each other. Hard. Our connection on the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual levels was profound from the start; it was exactly the type of relationship I was yearning for.
We are now entering our second year together, and I am beyond grateful for him.
Dating for two years taught me many hard lessons about what worked and what didn’t, and in hopes of saving you time and heartbreak, I want to share my approach for manifesting epic love.
First, let’s take a look at one of the big problems. Most single people who want relationships are floating around aimlessly. They may have some idea of what they want, but it’s not clearly thought-out. They date and hope for the best but waste precious time and energy without much success. Many of them are fed up and ready to throw in the towel.
Here’s the issue: they haven’t communicated to themselves (and the universe) exactly what they are looking for. Having a vision of exactly what you want, need, and deserve in love is absolutely critical. Otherwise, you are leaving a lot up to chance and have nothing to guide you on a deeper level.
Once you have the clear vision of the relationship of your dreams, you can surrender to the universe to do its part. It’s like anything that you want to manifest—it’s a co-creation between yourself and the divine.
The formula isn’t that difficult once you understand this. I help women do this all the time.
However, it’s important to understand what may be blocking you from accessing this true, authentic vision of the relationship of your dreams.
In my work with women, low levels of self-worth are almost always the number one barrier that prevents them from finding their perfect match. It means they aren’t able to dream big when visualizing their ideal partner, and they really limit the scope of what they think they can have (i.e. settling for less than they deserve.)
Low self-worth also means they aren’t able to keep the bar high, and they consistently lower their standards when selecting who they choose to be with. Maybe they’re even conscious of doing this when they first meet someone. They believe that the other person has the “potential” to eventually morph into who they want to be with (spoiler alert: not likely).
Even if you’ve authentically defined your dream relationship, if just a small part of you doesn’t believe you’re worthy, your vision won’t manifest. This is why self-worth work is critical at a deep level.
Ownership is also huge. You have to be able to look at past relationships and understand how you played a role in cocreating whatever dynamic led to its demise. This was, by far, the most difficult part for me when going through therapy with my ex-husband. I was so stuck in victim mentality about how I had been wronged and too wrapped up in that anger against him that it was hard to see what I was doing to contribute to the dynamic.
Once I was able to see my role, everything changed. All of the areas that I needed to work on were illuminated so that I could evolve into the best woman I could be. Without a doubt, doing this inner work attracts high level relationships.
If you find yourself having trouble fully defining what your dream relationship looks like, prior relationships are a gold mine of information. Think back to your most recent relationships:
What worked and what didn’t work?
What did you love about that person or relationship?
What did you learn that you can’t live without?
What are your triggers?
What are things that you will never settle for again?
These can all contribute to your vision of your dream relationship.
When we fully embrace that all of our prior relationships were teachers that help us evolve, it moves us from victim mentality to being a true alchemist who turns all prior challenges into gold.
Ultimately, it’s up to you to transcend relationships in the past that didn’t work. Make a commitment to clearly see the types of partners you’ve attracted and what patterns (both good and bad) you observe.
A huge part of manifesting the love of your life is having the discipline to hold firm to your full vision of what that looks like. As uncomfortable as it may be to accept, settling for less than you deserve is 100 percent on you.
One of the most useful aspects of defining your dream relationship is that when you’re dating, you can be discerning from the very start. You can (and should) write down your vision on paper like a checklist to refer back to when meeting someone new. This saves you (and the other person) time and hurt feelings.
A common fear that I hear from clients is that if they hold firm to their standards, they will be single forever. In my view, this is just a reflection of self-worth wounds that have not yet fully healed.
Unconsciously, part of them still doesn’t fully believe that they deserve the kind of relationship they desire. Additionally, when they choose to spend time and energy in relationships where their standards are not being met, it keeps them in a vicious cycle of low self-worth.
Never settle for less than you deserve. This takes discipline, and tests will certainly come up in the process. Grounding into your self-worth while dating is truly a daily practice.
When I finally got clear on what I wanted from a relationship, I dreamed as big as I possibly could and listed out four pages of details. Just two months later, the man of my dreams appeared. We now have the deepest, most profound love that I have ever experienced, and our relationship is beyond my wildest dreams.
When I think about the fear of being single again after ending a nearly 20-year relationship and how I believed that nobody would want to date a divorced mom, today I could not be further from that place.
I know that manifesting my partner started with a clear definition of what our relationship looked like—dreaming big and feeling fully worthy.
If you do this, be prepared for miracles to happen.