I am a recovering camelion.
The girl who moulded herself to fit with any man she fancied.
When a new man came into the picture, I gave up what I wanted in order to be wanted by him.
I was a sneaky chameleon because it didn’t happen all at once.
The change was so slow that it was hardly recognisable.
I got away with it, and my man never noticed—I even fooled myself into believing my new way.
I moulded myself to be what I thought he wanted. My life would revolve around our relationship—it consumed me. I would spend so much energy trying to prove to him I was deserving of his love.
I moulded myself for so long that I forgot who I actually was. I clung to my relationships so desperately that I never knew whether the things I did were my own choice or I did them only because I was so afraid to lose him.
I remember thinking, “I’m going to have to wait for him to end this because I cannot say the words, ‘It’s over.'” It was too scary to cut the cord.
It literally felt impossible because I wasn’t just losing him—I was also losing me, or far better, the version of me that I created.
And every time a relationship ended, I had to pick up the pieces and figure out who I was all over again.
It was ex-haus-ting.
Finally, I had enough.
All I knew was that I didn’t want to feel like crap in my relationships anymore—there had to be a better way.
I was done outsourcing happiness to someone else and waiting for them to decide I was worth being cherished.
It was time to draw a line in the sand—to say from here on out, I will choose me above all relationships.
I will have the courage to ask for what I want.
I will nourish my life so my partner is no longer the source of my happiness.
I will have the courage to set boundaries with anyone who is no longer encouraging my highest good.
Even when it’s scary.
Deep down, I just wanted to be loved and accepted for all that I am, but what I didn’t realise at the time was that I could do that for myself instead of outsourcing it to someone else.
Thank you to all the men who couldn’t show me love in the way I needed so I could learn to show it to myself.