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April 29, 2021

The lilac from the window  {A little story}

Photo by Valeria Boltneva on Pexels.

It’s a new morning. Open your eyes. Count your blessings.

Just breathe.
The lump in the throat feels less now.

Today is sunny, and the lilac from my window is almost in bloom.

Once again.

I don’t know how a whole year has passed since I last saw it bloom.
I remember so well with what fascination I watched it transform itself under the breath of spring.That lilac and the small sample of fragrant salty vanilla scent were an anchor to hope. And an anchor for day dreaming.

Did I find time to look at it before last year?
Honestly, I really don’t know, I don’t remember.

Patience. Deep breaths.

For two days I have been feeling more overwhelmed by anxiety.
I become nervous, agitated, excited, scared.

Patience. Gather your breaths.

And since the beginning of this year, I’ve had a difficult sleep.
A hard sleep.

If last summer I slept only a few hours a night, now I can’t seem to get enough sleep. And I can’t even wake up at 5-6 in the morning.

Somehow, I’m disappointed in myself.
I have the feeling that I am not doing anything concrete, although I plan a lot of things, it is difficult for me to motivate myself, to gather my thoughts and ideas, to expose myself.

I haven’t written anything in a while. Even though I say I will do it every day. But, I postpone the moment more and more until I get stuck in front of the laptop.

I became aware that all I am doing is sabotaging myself.

And I drift like that, without any destination. But I don’t get carried away by the waves either.
I just sit and repress everything up.
Until, most likely, this boat will break under so much pressure.

Maybe sometimes it’s okay not to look for peace with so much despair.
Maybe you need to get carried away by the chaos.
To accept it and receive the answers that come from there.

I try to pay attention to the child inside.

Whatever she wants. I strive to understand, to accept, to forgive, to ask for forgiveness.

But sometimes it’s hard.
Sometimes it seems to me that I have so much darkness inside me.

And yet, I still see the light.

Acceptance. Patience. Just breathe.

I’m grateful for the chaos. For this disintegration of the layers that cover my soul.
For the lilac from my window. For blue days.

The night is here now. The moon and stars are dancing with the spring.
I can close my eyes.

Patience. Just breathe.

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