Let me just say right now that I am a swearer. Yes, I use profanities.
But for the sake of the general internet, I will tone it down here.
Where previously I would have used the word f*ck or sh*t, I now say “toss.”
So, a few years ago, I had to explain to my almost teenager that we only have so many “tosses” to give in life, and we have to be discerning about where we put those tosses; we can’t just give them away willy-nilly.
My daughter was having trouble with a particular girl at school. She had been making fun of who my daughter was choosing to associate with. This was upsetting and causing all kinds of emotional mess. So I sat with her and placed a piece of paper in front of her.
We drew 20 squares. In the middle, she wrote her own name. And then I instructed her to write the name of the girl she was having issues with, as well as anyone else in her life she wished to put on that paper. She included other friends, myself, her siblings, her father, grandparents, aunties, and a few more.
I then gave her five small pieces of paper. I explained that these pieces of paper were her tosses; they were her fragments of energy that meant she cared what someone else thought or said about her. Her instruction was to give those pieces of paper (her “tosses”) to the people she most wanted to—to the ones who she cared what they said or thought about her and were important to her.
The problem girl didn’t get a toss.
I gave my daughter five more tosses, and she repeated the process. Again, the girl got no toss. And with another five tosses, she remained tossless.
I pointed this fact out to my daughter—that right now, she was choosing to give her energy away to someone who, in fact, she consciously didn’t actually assign any importance.
I then took the pieces of paper and gave her back only five.
My daughter now had to choose who she most wanted to receive her energy—who was, in fact, most important to her.
Of course, our problem girl never stood a chance of getting one of those five tosses, but it showed my daughter that her energy matters; she looked at me and said, “I get it, mom. She doesn’t deserve my energy. She doesn’t get to tell me who or what matters. I know who and what is important to me, and she hasn’t shown me that she should be.”
You get to determine who gets your energy.
You get to determine who matters enough to consider what they think or feel.
Work out your priorities.
You’re worth it.