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April 9, 2021

We reflect the darkness, we refract the light

Photo by Nicolette Attree on Pexels.

I want to share with you some thoughts that came to the surface last year, sometime in the fall.

May it be of benefit.

As the days go by in the calendar and the months are settling in this year, I realize that I have embarked on a journey that will take me away from everything I know.
Or, rather, I think I’ll be back to myself.

I didn’t know very well how to be the unapologetically version of my truest self in a good part of my life and, to be honest, I still struggle.
Because I always looked for and tried to please others, don’t upset others, don’t disappoint them, not to want more, not to say no, to say yes, to be content with what I have, trying to not be too sensitive, too childish, too enthusiastic, too annoying, too much or too little. No to that. Yes to that. No to…yes to…

And yet I had disappointed, I wanted when too more, when nothing, I begged for attention, I was too much of everything.
And I was nothing.

So who am I?

Someone trapped in the middle of these efforts, someone who stood with her heart and head bowed, her soul imprisoned and her words suspended somewhere in a parallel life of her own imagination.

I am a punished child, who sits in a dark corner and cries over the bitterness of these questions and accusations:
“It’s not good, you’re not allowed, don’t you see how X does?
Why aren’t you like that?
Why can’t you do more?
You will not be able to do anything in this life!
You are too innocent!
You are stupid!
You don’t know how to do anything right!
What if your mind betrays you and throws you into a black hole?
When are you getting married?
When do you have children?
You’re getting older! Life passes by you!

What life? What is life? What is the ultimate goal?
Where is the happiness, the fulfillment, the peace?
And whose are all these harsh, insecure, loveless words? mine, yours, those around!
What matters?
We reflect the darkness, we refract the light.

I carry in me a wandering mind, a lost soul, a heavy heart.
And I see myself becoming a carousel of emotions, and sometimes I don’t know how to stop.
How do I step back?

I cling, weak and kneeling, to my words.
They are the door I did not dare to open, but timidly I allow them to enter and exit through me, through old wounds, through blood, through my heart, through tears, through sighs, through every letter that is embraced with the next one, ready to unleash demons, kill fears, strip down the walls.
Strange therapy, witchcraft, blessing, deliverance, healing.
And, it’s not just that.
Since I allowed the words to be poetry, it seems that time has become more permissive and the days flow differently.

They are fuller of something. The days came to life. Life has caught up with me.
I dream, feel, live, cry, love, forgive, smile, dance, hum, run, hug, write, taste with lust from every season.

And next to this door of words are several windows to the future.
A little unclear, it still shows himself to me and is divided into several lives, in several versions of me.
And I don’t think I like what I see.
In fact, I would have liked not to receive this role of observer on the time to come.
But with the returning of September, I remembered that things do not happen as we intend, as we imagine, as we project them, as we hope.

It just happens when it has to happen and somehow, no matter how much we try to resist them or to say no, they make sense.
Or they will make sense later.
In patience and silence we must wait, reflect, ask for forgiveness and forgive ourselves.
Let’s think more about the blessings that are actually hidden among the trials, pains, hardships.

I lost a lot of things this year.
So many.
Financial security, tens of days planned, dreams, long-awaited trips.
A present that today would have been different.
Sleepless nights, full days.
And, at the same time, I lost that crazy urge to run non-stop, I lost myself, the one from last year, I lost the lack of assumption of who I am.
I lost so much.
Oh, but I received so much more.
Time to stand in thoughts, thoughts to be set aside in the path of time.
Time to write memories with friends, precious memories to cherish.
Time for real connections that break down word barriers.
Time for poetry, for words, for meditation, for reading, for living.
Sleep nights, empty days.
Time for breaks and smiles.
Time for old questions and new answers.
Time for old answers to new questions.
Time to be who I am.

Who am I?
Love, light, darkness, poetry, drama, fear, hope, joy, madness, regret, forgiveness, innocence, selfishness, chaos, peace.

Who will I be?

A settled mind, a regained soul, a light heart.

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