They say that you must master self-love before you are ever able to attract the love that you want. Which is true, for the most part. But let us not forget that self-love is an eternal journey. It’s not like winning a marathon and walking away with a medal – It’s something we need to nurture through our entire lives, and – the ultimate marathon – lifetimes to come. We also need to remember that no matter who we are loving, and no matter how much they love us – They can only love us from the depth of where they are in their lives, where they are in their personal journeys and from their own perspective of what love is.

We all live completely different lives; we are essentially millions of different Universes, all trying to co-exist on one planet with conflicting belief systems, day-to-day engagements and experiences that sculpt us into who we are each and every day. We grow, we mess up, we have 365 days to try be better than who we were last year, and we can only try our best with the cards that we’ve been dealt with. Here, we find ourselves. Strange things happen to us in the process that will always have a lasting impact.

I will never know why my Dad left my Mom just after I was born. It’s one of those things that makes me admire my Mother for her strength and leaves me wondering what happened. There could have been a million reasons, including his own fears and insecurities, but one can’t help pondering various scenarios. Is there a part of me that wonders if I was the reason? Of course. Is it something that I am realising plays on my feeling of self-worth? Apparently so. Is it something that I’m working on and trying to not let filter through to my own relationships in life?  Yes – But acknowledging and implementing are two completely different kettles of fish.

The thing is, no matter what kind of childhood we had – Whether we had a cookie cut perfect upbringing or we lived in a house of sexual, physical or emotional abuse – There will always be scar lines on our beliefs and self-image that we will need to learn to mend as we navigate our journeys. There will always be a level of generational trauma that is passed down, and there is no such thing as a perfect parent – no matter how amazing, supportive and loving they are. They will love you as they are, from where they are standing. I have a phenomenal Mother and a Step-Dad who has raised me like I am his own – And of course, he is my Pappa Bear. These two humans are the navigation beacons that have helped sculpt my siblings and I into who we are today.

I’m reading a book that says that we subconsciously seek partners who mirror our parents and who activate the triggers from the positive as well as the negative aspects of our upbringing. It makes sense in a way – We are creatures who naturally seek the familiar, therefore it makes sense to love what we know, yes? It’s often the case that if a boy grows up with a Dad who beats his Mother, he will likely follow suit. I’m a lot like my Mom, and my boyfriend is like a merge between my Brother and my Step-Dad. It is something that is oh so scarily familiar, yet so so different.

Because opposites attract too, right?

Yes, they do, and my relationship should be the poster-boy for opposites being ridiculously attracted to each other. Although having lived very parallel lives, I’m a health nut, my boyfriend sneaks McDonalds when he’s on his own. I like to talk deep, to unpack emotions and work through them together, and he prefers to talk fishing. He’s mechanical, can reverse with a trailer like a badass, and I can’t parallel park. I’m a dreamer, reader and writer and he probably won’t even read this blog. (If you are Babe, I love you beyond measure and I promise to do that thing you like xxx). We’re the ying and yang somehow, who compliment and contrast each other. I look at my parents, and – Uh oh – The gripes and sighs are on the same track. Am I reliving this generation? No doubt, they love each other, they’ve hussled together like rockstars and they have lived a full life. I’ve got nothing but respect for them and their love, but do I want to live my life in perpetual sameness?

Aha.

Here is the moment.

This is the moment where we get to acknowledge this phenomenon of “I’m becoming my Mother.” Through this acknowledgement, we now have the power to do something with it. Yes, I want to be like my Mother is many ways. Her caring nature, pure love and creativity will always be an inspiration. (I know you’re reading this Mom, and you are an absolute legend). We can take these positive aspects, put them in a jar and allow them to be our beacon of light. We are also in a situation where we acknowledge the negatives and realise that we mirror all of this. Yes, you read right. The negatives of any relationship is a mirror – You’ve got to reach a stage where you let go your ego and evaluate with enough emotional maturity to realise that we are the positives and negatives that we create.

I have lost friends because (I now realise) I have pushed them away out of fear of being hurt myself. I’ve self-othered and I’ve kept beautiful humans at a safe distance away so that they can’t come close enough to hurt me when they walk away. We all get to a stage where we eventually recognise our shit. The key to unlocking the next step is understanding what we are doing and maybe should be doing with this shit. And I’m sorry to say, but there isn’t a straight up answer. But there are tools. Reflection is one. There are guidelines; Don’t throw your shit at your partner is definitely one of those guidelines. The most useful piece of advice? Come back to Love.

One of the many traits I’ve inherited from my Mother is the satisfaction that comes with instant gratification. I know what I want, and I want it now. We often get despondent when this doesn’t happen. I’m definitely not afraid to work for what I want, but we often find ourselves blind to our own progress. We see the day-to-days, and not the achievements along the way. It’s taken me almost 30 years to see myself fully, and I still get frustrated when my boyfriend doesn’t share pieces of himself the way I had hoped. That Man of mine loves me more than I am probably aware of, he just shows it in ways that I am blind to from time to time. We so often want things from others, forgetting that they are living their own journey too. We can’t change humans. We can only love them as they are, otherwise we will end up spiraling ourselves into a sticky mess of intrusive thoughts and soul-sucking energy.

In order to navigate these sticky caves within our Soul, we need to shine our light of Love. We need to remember what this means to us, and how we can better the situation by exuding and becoming this. Self love is the start. Let go the negative lies that have crept up on us and have kept you down. Let go your false beliefs, and recognise that you are worthy of the love that you want. You are worthy of getting surprise plants, of laughing with your best friend until one of you wees a little bit, and you are worthy of experiencing the intimacy of a soul mate that makes you leave this dimension for a little while and come back feeling more whole than you ever were before. Shine light on all of these things. Because what you focus on grows – And if you’re going to focus so intently on how you don’t want to feel, you are creating your own grief.

I invite you to invite someone out for tea. Invite them because you want to connect, catch up, apologise for something or get to know them better. I invite you to wrap your arms around your partner and whisper in their ears something you’ve never had the guts to share before. A friend of mine recently passed away suddenly from a heart attack, and it never ceases to hit me like a ton of bricks just how short this life is. You have to love it fully. Love yourself, and love your partner enough to love them where they are. They’re with you for a reason – You can teach them through your own love, and you are here to learn from them.

It’s not easy. None of it is. Adulting is fucking hard, but we don’t grow up with a return policy. We do, however, grow wise. We grow together, and we grow into our highest self. We learn always – There is no instant gratification and there is no such thing has a happy ending. Life keeps going, and it’s not waiting for anyone – This is your chance. It’s your opportunity to come home to love, own who you are and to write the pages of your own fairy tale.  

xxx